In Memory Of David Sims (Part 10)

One of the hardest things through this was I had to know in my heart I was making the right decision. I could not take you off life support thinking what if and if only. I had to know in my heart this was the right course and that you chose it, that I was just honoring your wishes. I learned that you had been speaking to me in your own way through this journey. Times when I was being stubborn or refusing to see the pink elephant sitting in the room you would find a way to open my eyes and see the truth, to just see you, to hear you. Just like with your music, I had to listen and feel the lyrics to understand what you were feeling and saying to me. Your body was singing their own lyrics and I had to be still and listen. My heart was shattering into billions of pieces but there was nothing I could do to stop what was happening to you. Your body just couldn't take this any more but David you know I can't give up hope, it's all I got right now. Monday you were going to be removed from the respirator and at that time if you choose to continue to breath on your own and got stronger then it was God's will you stay here with me. If not then we were ready to except you going to heaven but oh my God I'm praying, praying PRAYING you breathe. Im not ready for goodbye. I secretly don't believe I will live if you die. Just breathe!!! 
 
Sunday night your heart rate shot up again like it did the night we went home to sleep. For 2 hours we stood holding your hand while the team worked on you to try and stabilize your breathing and heart rate. They shot you full of drugs and nothing was helping. The nurse said if they didn't get you stabilized soon that you wouldn't live for another hour. I felt my knees go weak, I wanted to go with you. My body and mind was so tired I don't think I could do this any more. I held your hand to my lips and just broke down crying telling you Im not strong enough and just like that your heart rate & oxygen went back to normal. They said you heard me and we all declared it a total David moment. I think you were preparing me for Monday but our biggest battle was yet to be fought.

This journey has been so long and painful but it's also been very joyful. I know that sounds odd but my family and David's best friends stayed at the hospital for this whole week just lifting each other up. In that time we talked and joked, laughed and cried. Every story told was something about you. You are bigger than life and have touched so many people that I didn't realize just how totally insane, crazy, funny, klutzy, goofy & absolutely amazing you really are to others outside of our home. Through all these crazy stories being told on a minute basis in the hospital, the team that worked with you got to know you through all us and fell in love with you. They saw all the pictures of you on our phones and I was amazed again by how many pictures everyone had. I could see you were in the best care ever because these people loved you and cried for you too. There were times when I was breaking down and your nurse would be lifting me up from the floor while she held me so tight and cried her eyes out with me. Your doctor did the same thing with Rick. Your nurses were swapping shifts with other people to make sure they were the ones taking care of you & not strangers. That alone is amazing in any hospital setting. They also all planned on being with you tomorrow when the respirator will be removed

The time was set for Monday at 4:00 pm to remove your respirator. We called in the whole family to let them know what was going on and ask those who wanted to say good bye to you to come on up. I told all of them that this was not a funeral because you were very much alive and that you could hear them. We all set up and watched the Chiefs game with you on Sunday and told you about the game, play by play so you knew your team was kicking some serious ass that day. We mourned with you over the Arkansas & Alabama game. We talked and stayed together all night long. I wanted to drink in every moment with you that I could ever have and bottle it up forever if this was going to be my last night with you. I hurt so bad but I'm trying to be strong for you. I'm so scared and I feel very alone even though I'm surrounded by people. This is just insane what I'm doing.

A couple days before all this a lady came in your room and gave me this beautiful hand made lap blanket that some church ladies made. She told me that every stitch in that blanket, a prayer was said for you so that when it was laid over you that you were covered in prayers. I thought that was just too cool. Sunday night I laid down beside you and covered us both up with your prayer blanket. It was covered with my tears by morning. I had a hard time accepting that you were alive, you were warm, I watched you breath, I listened to your heart beat, I felt your breath on my cheek, ran my hands through your beautiful hair, wiped little tears from your face, but you were going to possibly die around 5 the next day. I kept telling Rick that it was almost like an execution. He reminded me at that moment that this was all in God's hands and your hands. If you were not ready to go home to heaven and God was not ready to take you then when the respirator was removed, you would live. He was right. He just had to keep telling me that. 

Monday morning came & I started watching the clock a little closer. The nurses were trying to make sure I ate & drank. I never knew until then that you could dehydrate from crying. That's a lot of tears. I now understand it. 

By noon the clock was beginning to overwhelm me. The nurses made me sit with the clock behind me. I just kept kissing your cheek, you nose, your forehead, I lay down beside you and just held you. I bet I covered you with a lifetime of kisses and it's still not enough. I kept thinking that all this, the kisses, the touching, the seeing the feeling was about to end forever and it would send me into panic mode that made me kiss you & love you more. 

By 1:30 pm your nurse said they were going to allow the family & friends to come in one at a time if they choose so they could tell you goodbye or just have their own private moment with you. I know when I was alone with you I'd pour my heart out to you, you knew everything I felt because I held nothing back. I wanted the people who loved you to have that same time with you. Your nurse also said that some people will need this because it's harder for them with large groups. She was right. People that usually just stood to the side and didn't approached you because they didn't want to take my time with you away needed that time to talk to you as much as I needed it. During this time I learned that you had been accepted as a donor after your blood work had been completed.

Welcome to the 1% group. Leave it to you to be different than the other 99% of the population.

At around 3:30 I broke down. I knew the time was getting close. There was only 1 hour left. I panicked big time. I told you I couldn't do this, I didn't want to do this. I told you to just wake up and lets just go home. I didn't know if I was making the right decission or not. I told you I couldn't live with myself if I made the wrong decission and all the "what if's" that I knew would haunt me the rest of my life. I was holding your face watching my tears soak you begging you. Rick was crying standing behind me because the pain was so unbearable at that moment I thought I couldn't possibly breathe. 

At that very moment I'm breaking down hard your heart rate shot up to 235 beats a minute. The nurse ran in and started messing with the million machines that were hooked to you. She gave you some shot in your IV that was't helping. I cried out "No David I'm not listening to you this time, I can't do this, you can't make me, please don't make me" your heart rate shot up again to 300. I was crying, feeling so defeated but I knew so I leaned down to your ear and told you I understood now. I knew that was you talking to me telling me you were ready to go and I was answering your heart lyrics by saying yes, I heard you. I knew I was being selfish wanting you to stay but my heart was breaking to let you go. As soon as I told you ok your heart rate slowed down to normal again. I knew in my heart you were trying to tell me to let you go. I was just trying to convince my heart.

Yea I'm crying too as I type this.

At 4:30 pm they took you, me and Rick down to the 2nd floor to the operating wing to get ready. Since you are an organ donor it meant that the minute your life ended they would begin to remove your organs before they were damaged. That is why we were in the OR. They took you in to prep you for surgery while Rick & I got suited up in surgery cloths, including masks so that everything was sterile. While they prepped you for surgery they kept us in another room. They didn't want us to see this part so that our time with you was more personal. The coordinator told me that at this time they would be removing the respirator from you because it's a little scary witnessing and they were protecting us. It seemed like forever waiting and I was worried that something had happened. I wanted to go in, this was my son and I was feeling that panic come back but I stayed quiet & just sat there telling myself that you were ready, you were in control.

They called us into the OR and directed me to this area towards your head. The surgical sheets were up so I couldn't see the people on the other side. It reminded me of when you were born. Since I was having you by C-section without labor my prep before surgery was spent watching them get everything ready including placing surgical sheets that attached near my shoulders and reached up to a pole overhead blocking my view. I was worried I'd see the surgeons all standing around waiting like vulchers to harvest and it's not like that at all. The surgical sheets were like a tunnel to you where I got to be very close to your face and thats when I reaized you were resporator free, I could see your whole mouth and lips. I missed your face, I was crying and whispered how much I loved you. I told you I was so scared. I asked you how was I supposed to live without you in my life, I've never gone a day without hearing from you or talking to you. I told you if you needed me to forgive you for anything I did, I forgave you. I didn't want you to have any unfinished business like the movies always show. The whole time I'm talking I'm watching you breathe on your own. My mind is panicking and I keep thinking "breathe David, keep breathing baby, please please please just breathe." Your nostrils would flair with each breath. 

What I saw is so etched into my mind that I will never ever forget it as long as I live. It haunts me and gives me peace at the same time. I had my forehead against your check telling you I forgive you, I raised my head and looked at you and saw you were smiling. You had the biggest goofy David smile I've ever seen. It was an open mouth, full of teeth joyful smile that nearly dropped me to my knees because I thought you were awake with such an amazing facial expression. I turned to Rick and said "Oh my God he is smiling, do you see him"? Rick was crying and saying yes he could see it. I could hear people crying on the other side of the surgical sheet. I watched you take a few more breaths and then I felt all the life in the room be sucked out like a giant vaccum. I felt you leave and that emptiness to this day fills me because I have never felt that void fill back up,  you was gone. My baby was gone. 

My brain was telling me that it was time to go but I wasnt there, I was sucked out by the vaccum. I looked down at you again and your eyes were open, void of all life but you were still so beautiful and perfect.  

I was quickly escorted out of the room and all I remember was Rick grabbing me as I started dropping down in the hall as my legs gave out. I'm in full surgical gear, I just witnessed my son dying and he was being operated on that very second just 10 feet away on the other side of those swinging doors. I broke so hard that I don't even remember what happened. Rick was breaking just as hard and all we could do was hang on to each other. It was like a pain that came from the depths of my soul. We walked to the elevators & were to go up to some floor where the rest of my family were suppose to be waiting on us. I don't even remember it. When we walked into this hall we found my family standing there looking shell shocked. I kept asking did this really just happen, did my son really just die? People were coming in and hugging us but we couldn't take our eyes off each other. I'm sure Rick was thinking the same thing I was, it just couldn't be real, things like this don't happen, we just watched our son die and now he's being operated on. 

It's crazy how our minds work when we are in shock. I'm so far gone I can't talk but I remember the organ donor coordinator telling me before your surgery that they had recipients for your organs and asked me if I wanted to know about them. I didn't want their names but I wanted to know about their lifes. The man getting your lungs is a doctor who is married and has 2 daughters, he loves reading history books and working in his flower garden. I was sitting in that room after just witnessing your death, on the verge of screaming when suddenly I said to the coordinator that she needed to inform the very low-key doctors family that at any time he kicked back and popped open a keystone lite beer and cranked up some death metal music not to panic because it was just my son chilling out. The room was so quiet I could hear everyone's heartbeat, then laughter rolled through the room adding to the insanity I was feeling. Suddenly Rick whispered in my ear "lets get out of here". He was pealing the surgical cloths off me while we hugged nurses that were crying and thanking them for loving our son. Next thing I know we are sitting in our car, just Rick and me alone.

We sat in total silence for a while. I know it was shock. I started crying and ask Rick if we really just went through that. He was trying to start the car and was shaking so bad that he dropped the keys. I wasn't sure if he should be driving at that moment but I couldn't seem to form the words. I glance up to the 4th floor to your window that I've spent the last 10 days looking out of, then I looked down to the 2nd floor knowing somewhere in there you were in the middle of surgery and we were outside in the car. We start driving in the direction of home as I look back at the hospital and thought of you being in that operating room at that very moment and I was racing home. Something was so wrong with this picture. I could hear Rick crying while he was driving and wondered if I was going to live. A part of me hidden deep was hoping I wouldn't.

We are on the highway and the cell phone rings. Rick answers and we are told the operation was over. It was your nurse. She said that she could tell me that you saved several life's that night. A young man in Pennsylvania was getting your liver, another person was getting one of his kidneys. I don't remember if she said more because I was thinking that there was a mother holding her son's hand crying and praying to God that a miracle happen and her son would get a match on an organ that would save her sons life. That mother's prayer was answered and I knew your response would be "that's so cool". 

The cell phone rang again and this time it was my sister. She said for us to look to our left because God was giving us another sign. 

I will never be able to describe the sunset Monday night to give it justice. There was this group of clouds all poofy and gold. Light was streaming though them with rays of sun light shooting in several directions. There were smaller clouds all around the big cloud and each one had these trails of cloud or something that were shaped like angel wings. Like a wisp. It was on each little cloud. The center of the huge cloud opened up and the most brilliant golden light I've ever seen shown through. Rick started crying and turned to me and said "do you see that? David is making one major grand entrance into heaven" The cell phone was going off the hook with every friend and family member calling and freaking out over the same thing. They were all witnessing this amazing sunset and everyone thought the same thing I was, that it looked like heaven just opened up with angels surrounding the entrance. I thought Rick was going to wreck the car because we were watching it and not the road. I found out today that my sister took pictures of it and is sending them to my email. I can't imagine a picture capturing all that.

Now I know why you had such an amazing smile on your face when you died, you were looking into the eyes of God. I can't imagine at that very moment what you were seeing? It made me think of that song by Mercy Me called "I Can Only Imagine".

Tomorrow (Wed) we are having your visitation. It's going to be filled with music by bands you loved like Shinedown, I've picked your favorite song Call Me that told your struggles and the song Simple Man that you proclaimed was from you to your son's. I also picked out I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me just because of that sunset you gave us and that beautiful smile you left me with. I'm sure my 90 yr old great uncle who is going to preach at your funeral will be a little confused by the music but this is about celebrating my son David's life, your life and it's more precious that oxegyn. I've left him strict orders that he is not to turn this into church. I'm sure he's ignoring me. lol (old people, humph)

Today was spent doing a lot of remember when stories. But then everyday with this dysfunctional family of mine is filled with remember when stories when it starts with your name. I call them shock and awe stories. That's when your kids and their friends get old enough that they start telling you all the things that they did their whole life that would have shocked the living hell right out of you if you knew they were the one that pulled off this or that. I've done a lot of laughing and crying today. I think I'm still in shock. 

My heart is broken that I will not get to see & touch you again until my time comes to go to heaven, and trust me, I'm going there even though I'm one big sinner deluxe. Me & God are like this x. I'm His black-sheep family. I also know that I was given a gift this past week that many people don't get when their loved one dies. I got to spend my week holding, loving, kissing and talking to my live son who I know heard everything I said. I got to pour my heart out to him, let him know my fears, let him walk me through this pain while God really carried me through it. If you could get a chance of one week to spend with your loved one before they died to pour your heart out to them you would cherish it. I didn't know at the time that was what I was doing because I was just talking to you, expecting you to heal. I know now that God & you knew I wouldn't have been able to go through this if you had just died that night so you took me on a journey until I knew in my heart to let you go. It doesn't mean my heart aches less. I'm constantly breaking and feel like I'm in a fog most of the day but I have a peace about my you that I can't explain without telling this whole story I've just told. 

I know this was long & for some it's too long & sad to read but i know it was also therapeutic for me to write it down so just know that this is just another step in my healing.

Thank you all for keeping us in your thoughts & prayers. It means so much to me. I'll be back one day. Right now I feel like im drowning and if I survive I'm going to have to learn how to swim again.

In Memory Of David Sims (Part 8)

Sunday evening I found myself alone with you playing music but it wasn't your normal death metal rock, I found a Christian station that played more Christian Rock and laid the speaker by your ear. Your regular nurse came in to check on you and all your machines. She ask what you were listening too, I laughed and told her it was Christian, that I even thought of putting on hick-a-billy country just to aggravate you enough to wakeup and tell me to turn that dam stuff off and shutup from my continuous talking. She laughed because she was the one who told me to talk to you all the time because you could hear me. She got serious and told me not to listen to bad reports about you just yet. That something tramactic happened to you and you have a brain injury from lack of oxegyn, it's called hypoxia, and usually when this happens the brain swells. This swelling can also give false reports when an EKG is done, swelled up tissue around nerves not firing correctly. She said to give it 3 days time for your brain to heal from swelling and at this time we'll see how things are going but for now let the stress go and embrace you because she has witnessed so many unexplained miracles in ICU that she would never take away someone's hope. I hugged her so fiercely at that moment and cried. She had tears in her eyes too. She knew how badly I needed hope.

Tuesday, September 21st I step out of your room to grab something to drink and to see the sunshine. It's technically the 3rd day since it was close to midnight when you were brought into the hospital so technically I don't count it. I don't stay gone long, I never do, I get back to your room and Rick and several friends and family were bouncing off the walls excited. Rick pinched your fingernail hard like we've witnessed the doctors do to test your brain reaction. Brain dead people don't feel pain, they don't react. When Rick pinched your finger you frowned and flinched. This was big, this was massive. You were also practically breathing on your own. The machine only had to finish your breath every 5 or 6 breaths. You were getting stronger. My hope meter was skyrocking, I felt I could breathe. 

I was so encouraged by your progress that we decided to go home and sleep in our bed. I needed to see Aaron and Ariel, I needed to hug my other children and draw on their strength. I was terrified being 25 miles away but your night nurse promised me if you even hickup wrong she was to call me and I'd be there. I knew she would too because you had an amazing crew of nurses that changed shifts with others to ensure they were your nurses. I made sure they knew you were not just a number to them, they knew your heart and soul because I told them everything about you, I showed them videos, texts, Facebook posts, pictures, told them funny stories about your life. I humanized you to all of them including your doctor's. I know that's selfish of me because their jobs are so hard and they need to be somewhat detached or else every death would devastate them but this was you, this was my child and he is bigger than life. They loved you.

We got home and Ariel had a huge bump on the side of her forehead. She was left with Sarah while Aaron was at school and football practice. Apparently she wasn't watching her and Ari fell off a table she climbed up on and hit her head on a door frame but no one even noticed it until 2 days later. Sarah thought she was crying because kids cry. Ari never cries, Aaron never cried either. If my children cry they are hurt. From the size of the bump I wanted her checked out to make sure there wasn't a concussion. I've dealt enough with brain injuries and I needed to know my children were in safe hands. I told my mother that she was not to leave Ari with Sarah any more. I can't worry about this, I need to know she and Aaron are safe. 

We talked to Aaron about his needs. He was 16 and a starter on the football team. It was homecoming week which is pretty important and busy. Since his wreck and having an injury that came close to preventing him from ever playing again, Aaron didn't miss a day of practice. He worked hard to get back to 100% and was leading the team in tackles and touchdowns. His dream was to get a scholarship to college for football then go into the NFL. Rick and I pretty much devoted our life to him achieving this goal so it was important to all of us, including you that Aaron stay in school, practice instead of camping at the hospital. I worry about him so much, he's so quiet and private like you. He loves you and knows you were going to follow him all the way to the NFL as his biggest fan. You said Aaron was your hero. Those are big shoes to fill. He says he's fine, practice is going good. He talks to Rick daily to give him run downstairs to keep focused. 

It feels like a normal day at home, we shower, eat, play with kids, talk about how you are improving and that we are hopeful any day you will wake up. I even took pictures of Deagan and Izik laying on you hugging you just so I could show you when you wake up just how serious this all was. I never wanted you to forget. It felt so good to be laying in my bed that I fell to sleep quickly. 

Around 2:30 am the phone rings. I'm drug out if sleep like a bolt of lightning struck me grabbing the phone. I know it's about you because it's the middle of the night and something feels off. Blood us rushing to my ears and that high pitch noise is back. I don't think I can breathe. It's dizzying.

Your nurse says first you are alive. She must have heard the panic in my voice when I said hello. She said that you have had a few complications and that she had promised me if anything changes shed call. Well something changed, she's calling. Your heart rate was skyrocking and no mater what they inject you with it's not going down. She's concerned this might be it and that I need to get back there. I tell her I'm on my way. I don't even remember dressing or anything. I'm just in the car again racing time. 

Please don't die before I get there, please please please!!!

We arrive to your room and your nurse is injecting something into your IV. She tells me that she can't get your heart to regulate and that it's beating so fast she doesn't know how you are holding on. I can hear the machine and it's beeping fast. My head is screaming, I think your leaving me and I'm not ready, I'm holding my breath and the screams are getting so loud. I feel froze in place and I can't talk. I can't think, I'm looking at your beautiful face, your long curly hair and I'm remembering the day you were born. Your hair was so curly, your nose so tiny. You were perfect. You only weighed 7.6 and was 21" long. Your eyes kept going crossed trying to focus in on me when I talked to you, it was as if you reconized my voice. You had listened to me talk to you for 9 months before you took your first breath, you should know my voice above all voices. We are connected. You are my son. You carry my blood, my dna and the scar in your belly button where our life's connected as you were shaped and formed into the perfect little human that was placed in my arms on March 19, 1983. Suddenly I'm back in the ICU room where I had been frozen in place listening to the sound of the rapid heartbeat reaching 235, mine normally beats around 60. I move quickly, grab your hand and place it on your chest, wrap my other hand behind your neck and place my forehead against yours. "I'm here baby, it's OK, I love you, hang on, please just hang on" 

The room grows so quiet as we listen to the steady rhythm of your heart rate coming though the machine as if there was never a worry in the world. Your nurse exhaled loudly and said "Well I guess he just needed his mama". I was smiling and wondered if that was it. I promised you that very moment I would not leave you again. 

In Memory Of David Sims (Part 9)

By Friday we all decide as a family that everyone but me would go to Aaron's Homecoming football game. Rick calls me with updates while I have the radio on listening to the game. Your brother is playing his heart out for you. Rick called excited because Aaron had just scored a touchdown and asked me to put the phone to your ear. I heard him tell you "That touchdown was for you David" I could hear the raw emotion in his voice. If there was a way for you to be cheering while in a coma I knew you were estatic.

It was the first and last football game of Aaron's mighty might, middle school, high school and college career that I will ever miss.   

By the next day on Saturday your doctor came in and told us he thought he figured out what was causing your illregual heart rate, fluid on your heart, he needed to do an echo. I asked if there was anything that could be done if indeed there was fluid and he said they could adjust your medication but there were so many battles upon battles we were fighting that this was just something you didn't need. I had requested a feeding tube for you a couple days before that because I could tell you were losing a lot of weight. The doctors agreed and had started giving you what looked like babyfood into a tube. Your coloring was improving some but there were dark circles under your eyes and you were starting to experience myoclonic seizures. They were mild and would go undetected but I was with you 24/7 and I saw them. Sometimes they were just a slight twitch at your right temple, other times you eyes would open a little or just one eye. The first time this happened I thought you were waking up. I freaked out crying and kept telling you to open your eyes, please just wakeup and show them your OK. When the doctor told me you weren't really opening your eyes that it was really a seizure I hated him but I respected him for not lying to me. By Saturday night everything changed and I was forced to really look at you. I didnt know at that moment but I was getting ready to go to war against you because what you wanted and what I wanted were not lining up. 

The doctors told us that you were so strong but your body was just so exhausted. The respirator had been in for 7 days and caused their own complications. Your lungs were rattling which is a sign that pneumonia was setting in. Your heart was developing fluid around it and this caused a strain. We could see it in your face, your coloring was fading, you were grey and sweating, your breathing felt like you were panting, I was losing you. Even if you woke up I was losing you and my heart was shattering.  I sat with Rick and decided to speak what was in my heart. I told him I felt it was time to take the respirator off you, not to let you die but to give you a fighting chance to live. I believed you would continue to breathe on your own without the machine but the wear and tear of this machine forcing you to breath was breaking you. In my head if you didn't breathe we could turn it back on and try something else. Rick agreed with me so on Sunday we met with the team that included all your doctors and nurses that had been on staff just for you this whole time and told them what we were wanting. They agree with us but needed to talk to me about what if you didn't make it.

"shut up shut up shut up"

The team told me at that moment they were not allowed to talk to me about this until I mentioned removing life support. You were signed up to be an organ donor and it was up to me on if your wishes were honored but if I said no, no one would question me or pressure me. My first instinct is to scream NO!! No you will not cut up my baby, he's beautiful and perfect, he is not some lab rat to play God with, save HIS life not someone else's!

I remember the day you came home so excited and said "guess what I just did". In David speak that could mean anything from blowing up a city, dying the cat purple, putting wheels on the riding lawn mower so you could cut doughnuts in the rain, driving your car into the lake, parking your car next to the bonfire you built out of a full grown dead tree that you thought was such a good idea until the trunk burned up and the tree fell over on your car... So yes, "guess what I just did" meant buckle up, we are getting ready to go through a series of loops and turns but it will be an adventure for you. I asked what you did and you replied, "I'm going to save lots of life's" you went on to tell me you were getting another driver's license made because your last one was in your billfold at the bottom of the lake from when you jumped off a cliff to save a man who had just fallen off the same cliff. Your phone was also with the fishies but one little boys daddy was alive because of you so it was worth losing them, besides you were already a hero in my eyes. You said while getting your license the lady at the DMV asked you if you wanted to be an organ donor. You pulled out your new driver's license and showed me the little heart on the bottom left corner. The same picture the doctors are showing me while confirming you did sign up. I told them I knew about it but my head was screaming again, that loud ringing was in my ears. You are not going to die, I'm not signing this so you can die! I'm doing this so you can live.

I told the team that I was a Christian and was praying for my son's healing, that I do believe in miracles but I also knew you were suffering, I'm anilitical and I am also realistic. My plan was this. As long as you improved I was standing strong with you because this was your way of telling me you were fighting to stay here on earth. If you started going downhill on your progress that was also you talking to me telling me you fought the good fight but you was ready to go home to heaven. Rick and I saw how difficult it was for you to breathe. Even though the respirator was breathing with you we saw you struggle. Your heart was giving out and I just broke. I saw all these signs but what they were really asking me to do was impossible. No parent should ever be asked to make these decisions and yet here we are. 

"Mrs Allen do you agree that if your son stops breathing that we have permission to donate your son's organs"

I needed time. I needed a whole life time. I needed for you to wakeup, I needed you! "Talk to me baby, I'm so scared"

I felt so alone, it was like floating through space billions of miles away from all living things. I knew everyone waited for me to make a decision, just like when I made the decision to have you. I was told after I basically died giving birth to Lacy that my body could not handle childbirth. My heart couldn't handle it and nothing worked. I didn't dialte, I just go into labor, go though unbearable pain, stop breathing, my heart stops then emergency c-sections are performed and my heart gets jump started. I was advised to not have any more children. Then 5 years later I found out I was pregnant with you. Our doctor told us once it was established by me that no medical abortion was ever going to happen that they would be treating this as high risk but were going to monitor my pregnancy as close to your due date as they could get without me actually going into labor, then they would schedule surgery and you would be born. It was a good plan that didn't involve me in unbelievable pain or dying so it was a win win. Choosing for you to live was easy, now it felt like I was being forced in choosing for you to die. I wonder why God is doing this to me. I tell Him that I'm not choosing this, He is and if your body is too broken to live and if God was choosing not to heal you then it was He that was choosing for you to die. My choice was for you to live, my choice was always for you to live. I think maybe I'm a little angry at God.

It's Sunday morning when I signed the papers and things went into overdrive. If I could step out of my body and explain the whole process of what happens when a patient is about to become an organ donor I'd say it is one that requires organizational skills on a level I don't possess. There were planes landing with teams within an hour to do blood work. National data bases at work looking for people who were matches & were the most urgent care. I got scared because it felt a little weird with all this going on around us and you are laying there alive. I just stayed there by your side praying for a miracle. I hadn't slept for a while at this point so I was getting a little punchy. I think I apologized to 20 people that day because I would chew someone out for just looking like they were forgetting my son was real & not a organ harvest. You were very alive. I know they were doing their jobs and there was a time frame going on. I just kept looking at you and wondering why this was happening. You are so young and so beautiful. You are my baby and I was praying and questioning God about everything. Add a million other questions in that list and you still wouldn't reach the end of my "whys."  First thing that happens to you is they take blood. Vials and vials of blood. At one point the ringing in my ears is so loud because so much blood has been drawn I feel like you shouldn't have very much left. I kept telling myself they know what they are doing, they aren't going to kill you because you have something very important they need if you so choose to give it to them. Your life sustaining organs. 

I learned that there are different levels of organ donors. Most people die unexpectedly and time destroys the vital organs like heart, lungs, liver and kidneys. For those organs to be donated means they were in an operating room upon time of death or near death. Out of the world of organ donors only 1% are this level of donors. Only 1% save lives. You are that 1% which makes you very valuable to keep you as healthy as possible while teams all over the United States going through their database finding a match by need. Who isn't going to make it another day without a liver or lung, how quick can they have them ready for surgery, planes are readied to take off the second the word is given to take organs as quick as possible to their new body. Teams of surgeons are flown in, 2 per organ. They have exactly 15 minutes upon death to retrieve the organ before those organs go bad. 15 minutes to safely remove 2 lungs, 2 kidneys, 1 liver etc. All this is explained to me by the organ coordinator as they draw more blood. 2 large vials will accompany each organ and will be given to the new body. It's fascinating but it's all happening so fast. I just signed the papers 1 hour ago. You are not going to die, they are doing all this for nothing but I don't want to be the one that tells them this. I just want everyone to go away and let me talk to you. I need answers only you can give me. Time has become something I fear. 

"Please baby wake up!!!  Time is drowning me, it's holding me under and I can't breathe'.

In Memory Of David Sims (Part 7)

As different friends and family members filed in and out of your room the remainder of the day, Rick and I would tell them about you breathing on your own. This seemed to start an upbeat mood with each person and was becoming contagious. We were talking about positive things like "when you wake up" what we wanted to say to you. Josh had commented that he wanted you to be reminded where you came from, how bad this was because he just knew you were going to wake up. You were David, you were indestructible. We all seen it your whole life. 

I was so focused on you that I will miss a lot of people that came to see you or at least get the events that happened not quite in order. I wouldn't leave your side unless they forced me and you know they were forcing me way too much. I know the nurses have their routines to do but they didn't understand, you were MY son and nothing was going to keep me away for very long. 

I even thought on this while you slept in your coma. You were a 27 year old man, you were a father of 2 very active amazing sons that you raised on your own for the past few years, you worked with your hands laying floors, you worked on motorcycles and did amazing things on them when they were running. But you were still my son. You were so childlike in so many ways, so innocent yet knowledgeable. You believed and trusted everyone. You were friends to everyone. You made every person you met feel like they were special, like they were very important to you. You made them feel loved and needed. You had an amazing gift. Because of this I was very protective of you. I knew there were so many that used you and took advantage of your trust. They didn't care that if you drank or did drugs you could lose your job, your home, your children,,,, all these people really cared about was good time David. They wanted to go out, let you make them feel good about themselves then dump you off never looking back. 

You weren't a child but had enough innocence about you that you became a child to those of us that love you. With that came more amazing gifts. Joy, laughter, the magic of Christmas,,, you name it, you made these events into something we all wanted to share and be a part of. You were all about family. That was the most important thing to you in the world. That is why you were fighting so hard to have the court award you full custody, so that no one could ever use them as a pawn for their gain again at your expense. Your sons are everything. You're pain over not seeing them or talking to them for those 6 months wore heavy on you. It wore heavy on me and later we learned it wore very heavy on your son's.

You're laying in that hospital bed and I'm still wanting to protect you from the world. Someone knew what happened to you last night and they are not talking, they aren't caring. They must have just wanted a good time and now you aren't even a second thought or call to see if you are ok. 

I want to be angry but I don't know who to be angry at so I take all my strength and focus on you breathing. One breath at a time, just keep breathing David.

While I stayed focus on you and the family was encouraged about your breathing on your own I heard mom's cell phone ring. She answers but I'm just subconsciously paying attention. I hear her say in an angry voice "you should have told them why the hell did you wait". She handed the phone to Rick. I'm not sure who it is but I know I don't want to deal with it, I just want you to wakeup and come home. I hear Ricks voice pissed off saying "why did you lie, why are you crying, what's the matter with you, huh, why, huh?" He sounds pissed, he will take care of whatever it is and if it's something I need to know I'll be told, but no one tells me until so much later and the news changed the course of so many people's life.

The phone call was Sarah. She thought David breathing on his own meant he was probably going to wake-up and then he would tell the truth what really happened so her guilt needed to tell some of the story to avoid the police because if you live no one will tell her dirty little secret. 

Sarah told Rick that she lied, that you were at her apartment but she was scared that if your probation officer knew you were overdosing then you would be violated and go to jail. That doesn't make sense that she didn't call for help when she saw you were dying just so you didn't go to jail. This story will change again and again but later on when the truth does come out and the people Sarah confessed to tell their stories it was Sarah that became your executioner. She supplied the drug using food stamps to pay for it. The drug was for her purchased from a known dealer named Darlene Sexton who also overdosed and died. Someone might want to make sure Darlene wasn't at Sarah's that night too. Sociopaths are like that. The drug was called Fentanyl and it's for end of life cancer patients. Sarah cuts the fentanyl patch and loads a needle with the drug to shoot up. I learned that it's a roll of the dice, you don't know if your getting a strong dose or watered down dose until it hits your heart and shuts your respiratory system down but that all it takes is something like a hard slap to get someone to breathe again or 2 rescue breaths. 

While Darlene took Sarah's food stamp card to Walgreens, you were laying on Sarah's deck talking on your phone to Mandi. You were both sad that your date fell through because Nathan's wife got off work and was tired, not feeling like entertaining so you were stuck at Sarahs. You told Mandi you hope you could still get together, that you were hopeful. You told her you had a half pint of whiskey so you drank it but it wasn't very much alcohol. She later told me you were not drunk, that you were talking normal and laughing with her. She said you ask her to talk to Sarah for a moment because she needed you to do something. Sarah got on the phone and then said oh shit I got to go then hung up. Mandi tried calling back but that was the last time your phone was used. 

I think she handed the needle to you and the second the drug hit your heart you stopped breathing. 

After Rick learned from Sarah what drug it was he also learned Sarah left you dead for 45 minutes while she ran to Cathy's to work up an alibi. Cathy said later on that Sarah said she was glad Ben had seen you walk around back saying bye buddy because she was going to use that to prove you left her house if the police questioned. No one needed to know you just walked around back to her deck talking to Mandi on the phone. While you laid dying, Sarah grabbed the remainder of the drug still in the needle and hid it under her matress. Her sister Jess would find it and throw it away, she would also find your hat in Sarah's trash where she tried to cover up you being there. Your phone was never found.

The next thing she did while you laid dying was called her drug dealer who was still at WalGreens. She told Darlene what happened to you and that she left you laying there. She told her she thought you were dead and that she was going to be charged with manslaughter. Darlene confirmed this when she told Jess at your funeral when she got back to Sarah's there was nothing she could do, that you was already dead for too long, that she was just trying to help a friend not get manslaughter charges. Sarah told Darlene to take your body and dump it at the Esquire parking lot because it's dark but the next day was Sunday and people going to church would find you. But Darlene on her way to the Esquire said she couldn't do that to you so she had her son and his girlfriend ride with her to take your body to the ER, telling them she found you at the Esquire. Sarah became your executioner that night. She told Cathy that she didn't call for help because DFS would have been called on her and she would lose her kids. Cathy told me Sarah didn't want to lose her drugs. So she chose your death sentence, she left you without oxegen for 45 minutes which caused catastrophic hypoxia that only a miracle from God could save you and I was praying and standing in faith for that miracle.

In Memory Of David Sims (Part 6)

September 19,  4:00 p.m.

My body and mind are weary. I'm so happy that others are there with us to encourage and help us stand through this. It's been a long day that felt like weeks already. I didn't want to speak my fears in fear they would come true. I knew that enough negitive had been spoke over you in the first few hours that I wanted to block this out and not allow another word to be said in your room that was slightly negative. This became my mission and before this journey was over with there wouldn't be a nurse, doctor, chaplin, friend or family member that wouldn't follow this rule. Some had to learn the hard way simular to the way you & I had to learn things in our life too. 

Since I knew you could hear us, my rule was that you would only hear positive things said. We don't know why God chooses to heal some and take others home with Him but I feel that you had a say in this decision. I just needed a sign from you that you were fighting. I needed this to light my fire to also fight.

Whenever a nurse would come in and adjust some machine I would ask what it was and why it was being used, what results were they looking for. It was time to educate myself on your recovery. The one machine to the left of you showed us your blood pressure which held steady at 96/ 68, your oxygen level was at 100%, your heart beats per minute were at 90, your breaths per minute were 14 but something was odd about the number because it kept changing. Every hour the resporator techs would come in and hook up to their computer to check all your oxegen levels. There were numbers and graphs that went over our head. This machine was to the right of you. Rick always seemed to be standing to your right near your resporator that breathed for you. I always stayed to your left so I could get as close to you as I could without all the tubes & wires. I basically climbed into your bed.

It's was around 4:00 pm when one of the resporator techs came in to do their checkup. They never asked us to step out and were always very aware of us being there. They would answer any question we ask but what I liked about them the most was the way they answered. They educated us as if they understood we needed something to grasp hold of, something to show us a progress or decline, hope. 

Rick ask the tech what the 14 stood for on your resporator and the machine that was over my head. We thought they might be connected since they showed the same numbers. The actual respirator machine we learned was the numbers we wanted to follow. It gave an accurate level to your breaths taken, your oxygen level and everything that was sustaining your life right then. The tech explained that he had you set up to take 14 breaths per minute. Rick ask what the next set of numbers were that stayed around 18. The tech said that was the amount of breaths the machine took PLUS the breaths you were taking on your own.

Did you hear that??? You were taking breaths on your own!!!!  The hair on mine & Rick's arms were standing on end. Rick asked again about you breathing on your own as if we might have misunderstood. He confirmed once again that you were indeed breathing on your own. He showed us how to watch the graph on your resporator, the lines would climb for the breath then dip down when you exhaled. The gragh lines were black but you could see gray shades at the beginning of every breath. The tech explained that the grey coloring on the graph was all you initiating the breaths but you weren't breathing stong enough just yet so the machine was finsishing them for you. Rick quickly asked if this was a brain funtion to breath on your own. Yes, this was a brain function which means the first doctor was wrong, you were not brain dead!!

We are glowing. You were breathing. This was a praise God moment.

This was that 1% hope I needed to strengthen my faith to stand with you in this fight. This was a message from you telling me that you were not giving up, that you were fighting your way back to us. I was not going to give up on you. I promised you right then that I would stand strong in faith with you. I was not going to hold my breath in fear any more.

I finally exhaled.

In Memory Of David Sims (Part 5)

The family began to arrive early that morning. All the drama & hate that follows these people around couldn't touch me now because the only person I could focus on was you. The devil could have been sitting on my head and I would have been clueless at that moment. I was so distraught over talking to the doctors that morning that I don't recall who came when but the room soon filled up. Some of your real friends were there, Josh & his very pregnant wife Erika were there, Nathan & his very pregnant wife was also there. By the way, she's very sweet, Nathan married an amazing woman. They all cried and held one another when we passed on what the doctor had said about the test results that had been ran so far. We tried to figure out what happened to you. Everyone was as dumbfounded as we were over how you were found in a parking lot dead. We all asked each other the same questions over & over with no answers. Someone out there knew what happened to you but my main focus at that very moment was you waking up. I was not ready to let you go.

All the smokers couldn't handle staying in the room for long periods of time before the urge to smoke got the best of them. I guess I understood, if I smoked I'd be doing it too if it really helped my stress. I also didn't mind when they all went to smoke because it allowed me and Rick alone time with you. Since your nurse told us that coma patients could hear, we talked to you all the time. You're nurse told us that there was a study on brain injury patients that showed music help improve their healing. This was the prefect medicine for you since music has been a major part of your life. It's how you express yourself. I could always tell what mood you were in by what music was streaming from your bedroom. I could hear you up there singing and would just smile. Sometimes I would even know the songs you were playing.you have no idea home many times I sat at the bottom of the stairs with your bedroom right above me and listened to you sing.

I turned the radio station on to the only rock channel I could find on your tv, placed the speaker by your ear and let your brain have some healing time. I laid my head on your shoulder and thought of all the times you would come downstairs and turn the sirus music on the dish that was hooked up to the stereo. You'd want me to listen to someones new song that just came out. I would be in doubt which you always knew I would be so you'd start talking fast telling me that this band is one that usually does all the growling & screaming you loved so much but this song was different, it was slow and showed the bands true voices but what you really wanted me to do was listen to the words sang. It was always about the lyrics with you. It's amazing you weren't a folk singer since you loved how the music told a story. You would always pick the song that spoke to your heart over what was going on with you at that moment. That's a gift. Most just listen to the music so they can bang their heads with no clue what the song was all about. You not only knew what it was about but you would research who wrote it and why they wrote it so you could tell me all about every emotion that went into the song. You opened my heart up to music I would have never listen to if it hadn't been for you telling your amazing stories. I love you more for that. 

As I laid there with my head on your shoulder the song came on by Celin Dion called "How Do I Live Without You". Talk about timing. I never liked that song but it was so powerful at that very moment because it spoke everything I felt.  I just melted into you and cried my heart out. 

This is the part where I know you are laughing. Earlier when the family arrived I didn't know it. I was standing there by your bed feeling so lost and scared when someone grabbed me from behind, swung me around and hugged me with a fierceness that only a parent could do. It was your Aunt Bubby. I just melted for a minute. It was a relief to have the person that I had gone a big part of my life calling her my best friend there with me when I didn't know how I was going to deal with the next moment in your life. Next came your Cousin Emily who was crying as soon as she entered the room and saw you laying there. The difference is she might have been crying but she's one mighty little prayer warrior when you can get her Me Me Me eyes off herself and on to the need. She had your hand in her hand praying for you before I could even say hello. Your Aunt Lorie was right behind her. She's been through this before with Leman, Damion & Bruce's son so she knows the pain. Emily has gone through this with Hugh Dean & Tyler. Bubby went through it with Clint. They all know how important it is for family to be there for one another in times like this. It's the unknown that creates fear. I didn't know if you were going to live or die, we were scared, we were broken and we were humbled. There was only one thing to do & that was hand you over to God and let His will be done with you. I just prayed His will lined up with mine.

I thought all the family being back together for your sake would make you happy. I thought it was something you would have wanted because it had been a few years since I had spoke to most of them. You had told me so many times I needed to let it go when I would cry and ask why they were so selfish & self-centered. You would ask me point blank "Tell me why doesn't my Mimi love me"? I would tell you that your grandmother did love you but she was so busy trying to raise Sarah's kids that she couldn't see she had more grandchildren that might need her too. All you wanted was her to love you. You & I had this bond when it came to things like this. We didn't fake our love. You had it or you didn't. 

I remember about 9 months before this journey began you & Lexi had decided to get back together but you were going to do it right. You were going to get your own place with the boys then move her in with you. You were happy and so ready to have her back. I wanted her to just move here with you and you all save your money but Lexi didn't want to live near our family, mainly my mom & your cousins. I was so stubborn not believing you two that our extended family was our worst enemies,  you and Lexi set out to prove a point to me that I was not to trust them. You got Lexi on the phone from Kansas and both of you created this crazy story I was suppose to tell in front of my mother, your Mimi. I was to tell them that Lexi was in a little wreck and that she was pregnant......

After you got saved while in jail you were accepted into Drug Court instead of going to prison. I talked you into doing it because I was so scared for you in jail. I know pot is illegal but it's an herb that grows naturally and doesn't kill or hinder a person from functioning in life so to throw a life away to prison for an herb was insane, there had to be an alternative that helped you get away from smoking and allowed you to have your freedom to raise your sons.  The one big glitch in this scenario was your drug counselor.  Your Aunt Lorie would get drunk and call at weird hours angry over stupid things like her boat she left at our house being moved so we could mow. Her solution was telling me she hoped we all died that night. After years of this I finally had enough. I called the police and started reporting her abusive calls for no other reason than to document them. Oh course she would sober up & be all nice again. I never once heard the words "I'm sorry", I'd suck it up and let her abusive nature continue. She also contacted you when her husband was wanting some pot to smoke and she knew you could get them a bag. This husband turned out to be your drug counselor in Drug Court. That would make him your uncle and to me that was a major conflict of interest since he was the one that had to administer your drug testing. Every time you met him he would tell you he heard you went out and got drunk or he knew you were talking to so-n-so. It was as if you couldn't breath without someone constantly reporting your every move to him. Because you were in drug court one of the rules was you were not allowed to hang around people you had done drugs with in the past. The person you listed as someone that was a trigger for you was Sarah, Lorie's oldest daughter. Drug Court said that even though she was family, she was not allowed to come to our home. This pissed Sarah off. She would call and say this is wrong because now she couldn't come over and leave her children while she went and did whatever she did every night. You were convinced that Sarah was the one telling everything you did or didn't do to Bruce who was in turn telling the judge who was in charge of your freedom. I didn't believe it was this vicious so you & Lexi were going to prove me wrong by the pregnant fib I was to tell. 

While you were gone to a NA meeting I waited for Rick to come home from work to start the little lie. While mom sat in her chair within hearing distance I told Rick that Lexi had a little wreck and went to the hospital because she was pregnant. Rick lost his mind and I had to wait for him to leave the room so I could follow him and whisper that it was a made up story.  The phone rang & it was Sarah calling to talk to mom. An hour later you got a call from Bruce asking you if Lexi was pregnant. I was laughing so hard when you pointed out that Sarah was telling Lorie & Lorie was telling Bruce everything. Then you reversed this by telling Bruce some things about Sarah to prove to me that Bruce also was being one of the gossip girls and by the next day Sarah was calling and asking about what you said. The sad thing was the trust was gone, you couldn't trust Bruce, Sarah was out to get you out of this house so she could come back here and let my mom take care of her and her kids while she shot up drugs. Your drug court situation was a total no win situation that was not going to work out for you at all. I was angry because there was a major breech in the counselor and patient confidentiality. The next day Bruce told you that one of you had to go and it wasn't going to be him. I had you tell your probation officer about what was going on and she said she didn't want to know about it because it was between you and Bruce. That was the final nail. You knew you would be going to prison pretty soon and Sarah was going to get her way. You were so hurt. That night you cried and ask me why they all hated you so much. I had no answer for you. My heart ached for you. You told me to hold these people at arms length & to not trust them but here I am, holding you in the hospital convincing myself that you would want us all back together. I let my guard down & let them all back into my life wanting so desperately to believe like an abused person that this time would be different. Maybe this time they might love you enough to stay because at this point I didn't care what anyone felt about me. All I knew was I couldn't live without you. 

At some point I knew Rick and I were getting pretty tired from lack of sleep when we both thought it was around 9:00 pm only to find it was 1:00pm. We all were in your room hoping the nurse on duty didn't run us out after visiting time. If we stayed quiet they seemed to ignore us. You were sleeping so peaceful except for an occasional tremor in your right forearm that almost went unnoticed if it hadn't been for me constantly holding your hand.

Nathan Noel was taking your health very hard. Most had gone outside to smoke and it was just Nathan and me in the room with you. He was crying and telling me he should have been around more, that he drifted away when he moved to Kansas. I told him we all grow up and start our families but he always managed to find his way back home and check in with you to keep that bond growing.  

I decided that I had some amazing news that Nathan wouldn't know about you since he'd been gone the past year. He didn't know you were saved. That's a biggie for me. You were always the one that fought my faith so hard when I knew it was God you were really fighting. All those times when I would talk about God and you would get mad telling me that God isn't real, I just kept praying for you because I knew God had this amazing way to get a hold of people like you and me just to flip our worlds around and totally amaze us because at one time in my life I use to be you. I began telling Nathan the story of how you got put in jail the year before for swimming after hours in the pool and how everything was falling apart in your life. It was September of 2009, you were sitting in a jail cell wondering how you got there. You told the story how your life was laid out in front of you, all the bad choices and wasted opportunities. You were in jail with another that was a Christian. Through the two of you talking a lot about the Bible and what truths it meant to your cell mate you began earnestly asking questions about salvation. You said you were ready for a change, you had fought it for so many years and you were ready to let it go and let God have his way.
 
"Hey mom guess what, I did it, I got saved"

As I told the story to Nathan he began to cry. He kept saying "David really said that? David really did that"? I told him how there was such a change in you during this past year. Yes you were still a sinner but you were a major work in progress. God was dealing with you on so many levels. I told Nathan about our fight just the other day when I found that awful book in your room talking about satan. I remember saying to you "David you are a man of God, you know what satan is all about and you choose to bring this crap into our home?" You're answer to me was, "I know mom, it will be ok". You smiled and melted my heart. The old David would have told me there was no God and that satan was cool, just to set me off. It was so amazing to see how God had transformed you. 

Nathan was amazed by the stories I told him about how you had changed. He cried and said "I need to get saved, I'm not saved". I knew at that moment that Nathan would follow your lead. He always did. Sometimes that lead was into a tree, or a lake but this time it was going to be to a new life. Yea we are all under construction but we have a eternal destiny that makes that work in progress so much more meaningful. Sometimes we take detours and I was looking at this day in your life as a major detour that only God could lead you out of. 

That's another thing that I have been fighting. You know how I'm a control freak. I have tried to control everything that was centered in our life yet I've never had any control. It's a crazy chase your tail kind of life but it's still a part of my being. I like to know my children are home safe with me instead of laying in hospital beds on life support. At that moment my frustration was on high alert because I was so helpless. I had zero control over everything going on with you. It also seemed the doctors had zero control too. There wasn't a pill or a procedure they could think of that would change what was going on with you. Only God & you knew what was going to happen next. I wanted to just lay hands on you like Jesus said, use Jesus name as He told us to do when He said to ask and it shall be given unto you. I wanted my will to be done in Jesus name. I worried that God's will wasn't the same as mine. 

Trust, that's a hard one when it's your child.

In Memory Of David Sims (Part 4)

It's hard to believe it's only been hours since this all began. I'm talking to Rick and telling him things I thought happened days ago and he's saying "Honey that was this morning". Time is such a fickled thing when the world is holding it's breath.

It's still Sunday, September 19th, one day after my birthday. I wonder how old I am. At the moment I can't do the math but I'm feeling very old and I'm scared but I don't dare say it out loud. I was told one time in church our words can bring life or death. We can say to a child you are worthless and kill their self worth or we can say you can do all things and birth possibility. I remember this and don't want to speak negativity about my son, he is going to wakeup, he's going to live and be amazing.

Your nurse comes in and is fluttering around the room taking your vitals. I ask her for a wash cloth and take my hairbrush out of my purse. You never let your hair become a tangled mess like this. I hate the tape that is wrapped around your head to help hold the respirator in place. She handed me the warm wash cloth and said "talk to him, he hears you". 

I had tears in my eyes and ask how she knew you could hear me. She went on to explain that every coma patient when they wake up tell the staff or family things that was said or done to them while in the coma that they shouldn't know. They talk like they are standing back watching everything go on around them they know who came to see them, conversations other's had while they were in a coma. She said she knew for a fact you could hear us, especially me because I was mama. You would prove this a fact to me so many times during the next 10 days so I started talking to you, pouring my heart out, telling you what was going on, what the doctors were saying, what I was feeling, who came to see you, who was praying for you, how scared I was. I told you that I understand if you need to sleep to heal but I sure could use a sign from you that you are ok. I didn't know if you were in pain or what happened to you. 

My imagination has gone in every direction on what happened to you last night. Did someone get high with you and then just dump you out on the side of the road when something went wrong? Were you just out for a walk and had a heart defect that dropped you to the ground? Most disturbing thought was when we were told that the person that found you said you were blue. They said you were dead. If I was driving by a dark parking lot at night and saw a dead person laying there, would I just load them up in my car & drive to the hospital or would I call 911? Did this person know what really happened to you? I need answers but I believed those answers would come when you woke up.

The first ICU doctor we saw verified we had no more answers to what happened to you before you came to the hospital. He seemed to be in a big hurry and just wanted to put the facts out there and move on.  He told us this is what they knew at the moment, that whatever caused you to stop breathing was unknown but the fact that you went too long without oxygen to your brain was serious. He explained that a brain can receive some damage from just going five minutes without oxygen but in your case the severity of the damage they felt was caused from going extremely too long. Your brain at that moment wasn't able to preform life sustaining functions like breathing on your own. He said that if someone had just breathed 2 rescue breaths into you that you would have probably walked out of the hospital that night. Just 2 rescue breaths. I took CPR when I was a teenage lifeguard. I took it again when I had each one of you kids. Hospitals won't let us take you all home after giving birth these days without a CPR class. The last time I took it was the day I brought Ariel home after she was born. Sarah was with me and we talked about how many times we've had to learn this & that now we could teach this class. How long had you laid in that parking lot not breathing before these women found you? This doctor's final words to us before he left the room changed my life. 

"Your son went too long without oxygen. He is probably brain dead and will never wake up".

I heard the words but my mind & my heart were screaming NOOOOOOOOO! This man did not know you, this man did not know this family, it's only been a few hours here and he's only seen you for a few minutes, this was not real and I was not going to believe this. It was too early to tell me this. He was just a doctor, he was just human, he was wrong!!!

He left the room and I broke down crying. Rick looked shell shocked. I think he was thinking the same thing I was. This was not real. I grabbed you and held on tight. I kissed your cheek and your forehead. I held your warm hand, felt your heart beat, watched you breath and knew in my heart you were not going to leave me. My heart was breaking, I couldn't breath, someone was behind me, it was Rick, he was crying and holding you and me both. I was soaking you with my tears. This was not happening. That doctor was wrong. You are not leaving me. I love you so much I just can't breathe, God please don't take him, not now, I can't do this.

It wasn't even daylight yet. How can they make a judgment call so quick? 

We were asked to step out of your room and go back to the waiting room while they did a shift change. New nurses and doctors were coming to work. New ideas and new opinions where clocking in. I'm holding on to a thread of hope because the neurologist hadn't seen you yet.

While we were in the waiting room I got onto the laptop and went to my home away from home site to update my friends on what was going on and to ask for their thoughts and prayers for you. I didn't have much answers so I probably caused more confusion and worry. The important thing was they are good people with big hearts, they were praying and sending out their strength for you and for me. While I was asking for prayer from my friends, Rick was making a few phone calls to our family. What a dysfunctional family we have.  I would later learn what you always tried to teach me when it came to the term family, that it's not always the ones that share our DNA.

I raised you to be very family oriented. I got this trait from my grandparents Gene & Vera Hargis whom I lovingly called Nana & Po. After they died I worked so hard trying to keep our family united. I felt it was so important that we still get together on Sundays after church. Everyone use to say that once mom was gone the family gathering place would be passed down to me since I'm the one that wanted it. I spent so much time trying to mend fences among them all that it's amazing we lasted as long as we did. Bub was constantly mad at Sarah for insulting Zach and swore they were never doing family get together's as long as she was there.  It would take months to convince them that family was important and to just ignore Sarah's jealousy of Zach, this war began when Zach was just a baby, it wasn't going to end over Sunday dinner. Bub would tell me that Lorie's kids were all the drama in the family and that spiritually it was draining her, Scott refused to go over to mom's any more because of it. I finally convinced them to come back because it was important to me to carry on Nana & Po's tradition. We always did everything with the family, the whole lot of them. Your first cousins were more like your sisters. Since you were the only boy until Zach came a long, it was you with 4 girls tormenting and loving the daylights out of you. There was nothing they all wouldn't do with you or to you or for you. You were surrounded by Aunts, Uncles, Sister, Brother, Cousins, Niece, Nephews & Grandparents that you loved so much and didn't go a day without seeing them or talking to them because you were raised with that family tradition I held so dear.

Several events had happened in your life that were life changing. Your outlook and attitude was also changing. You would get angry and tell me to let the family go, it was all drama queens and gossip freaks that loved nothing more than to kick you when your down or leave you downing in your own blood. You never elaborated on what had you so riled up or who but you did say never to trust any of them and that all it takes to find out who your real family and friends were was to go through a life changing event in you life like when you were in jail and how hard this same family worked to get you there. I understand you now. I wish I had listened. 

First life changing event for you was Lexi running off and leaving you with 2 small boys to raise on your own. That was a doozy. You had to step up and become a man real fast. While this is going on you had people telling you every dirty little detail of your wife as if they were enjoying kicking you while you were down. You know when you hear these words come out of someones mouth they are not your friend "I knew she was shooting up drugs but didn't want to tell you because it would hurt you" Especially when the people "she" was shooting up with were the very people who were telling you they didn't want to hurt you AND they were family. You were having to learn a lot of hard lessons fast. 

Next life changing event was the Forth of July in the middle of night you were out with a buddy of yours and you both decided to go to the public pool, climb the fence and go swim. Yea I thought it was funny too but the police didn't. You got arrested and put on probation. While on probation you had to give a urine sample to be tested to make sure you weren't on drugs. You flunked because you had been smoking pot. You were tested again and flunked again for smoking pot so they were talking of sending you to prison. I freaked, you were not prison material. You weren't a bad person, you were trying to find your way in a crazy world while trying to bury your hurt and pain from losing the woman you loved more than anything. You put on your game face as if nothing hurt you but you can't wear a mask around me, I know you. I'm scared and I know you are scared. I also know pot levels your ADHD out. If they can just give the part of pot that helps people with ADHD without smoking it that would be a perfect scenario.

Next life changing event. It's October 2009, you're sitting in Polk County jail feeling broken. You know you can't continue in this direction, you have to do something to make a change in your life for your sons. You were accepting the fact that Lexi wasn't coming back. You still loved her but wanted more for your sons than the broken man you were becoming. That night Duncan was arrested and became your cell mate. You opened up to him and told him you were tired. He told you that you needed God in your life. The two of you stayed up all night long reading the bible and talking about your life. Before the sun rose that morning you knelt down and ask God to forgive you of your sins and invited Jesus into your heart. You were my born again man of God Christian son that I had been praying for your whole life to be saved. Later that day you called me to tell me the good news. "Mom guess what I did last night, I got saved" me "from what"? David "you know mom, I got saved by God"........ silence..... I think I nearly fainted. I was so excited and so filled with joy that I was scared I'd freak you out so I said, "I'm so proud of you baby". After I got off the phone from you I screamed as loud as I could. 

After we were sent to the waiting room once again, Rick called your natural father Jerry. My heart sank when he had to make that call. I knew how much you wanted to see your dad and how heart broken you were that he never called or tried to make an effort to see you. It would take this event to bring him back to you. I knew you'd find a way. 

The neurologist was there and wanted to talk to us. She was running an EEG test that measures brain waves. In short it lets us know how your brain is working. She is a little thing and she's blunt. I guess they all are.

Dr Zi in broken english ask if we knew what happened to you. We didn't know anything more than what they knew. She tells us that no one picks up a person believed to be dead in a parking lot, she said you call 911. She thinks there is foul play with the story where you were found. She speaks out loud what I had been thinking, that whoever dropped you off at the hospital knew you and knew what happened to you, they were lying. 

Dr Zi told us the EEG wasn't good. There wasn't enough activity to sustain life. She raised your eyelid and showed us how your eyes were fixed, your pupils were tiny pin points and wouldn't react to light. My heart broke. 

I think I cried a lifetime of tears in those few hours that morning. You were laying there looking so peaceful, so warm, so alive. I was at a dead end and unable to think, I needed strength, I needed to pray. I needed to turn you over to the higher physician and let Him take control.

My only problem was I was so emotional that I didn't even know how to pray. I've prayed my whole life and here I am, my son's life is on the line and I'm numb, I don't even know what to pray for. 

I prayed for God to send us prayer warriors that knew what to pray for.