The family began to arrive early that morning. All the drama & hate that follows these people around couldn't touch me now because the only person I could focus on was you. The devil could have been sitting on my head and I would have been clueless at that moment. I was so distraught over talking to the doctors that morning that I don't recall who came when but the room soon filled up. Some of your real friends were there, Josh & his very pregnant wife Erika were there, Nathan & his very pregnant wife was also there. By the way, she's very sweet, Nathan married an amazing woman. They all cried and held one another when we passed on what the doctor had said about the test results that had been ran so far. We tried to figure out what happened to you. Everyone was as dumbfounded as we were over how you were found in a parking lot dead. We all asked each other the same questions over & over with no answers. Someone out there knew what happened to you but my main focus at that very moment was you waking up. I was not ready to let you go.
All the smokers couldn't handle staying in the room for long periods of time before the urge to smoke got the best of them. I guess I understood, if I smoked I'd be doing it too if it really helped my stress. I also didn't mind when they all went to smoke because it allowed me and Rick alone time with you. Since your nurse told us that coma patients could hear, we talked to you all the time. You're nurse told us that there was a study on brain injury patients that showed music help improve their healing. This was the prefect medicine for you since music has been a major part of your life. It's how you express yourself. I could always tell what mood you were in by what music was streaming from your bedroom. I could hear you up there singing and would just smile. Sometimes I would even know the songs you were playing.you have no idea home many times I sat at the bottom of the stairs with your bedroom right above me and listened to you sing.
I turned the radio station on to the only rock channel I could find on your tv, placed the speaker by your ear and let your brain have some healing time. I laid my head on your shoulder and thought of all the times you would come downstairs and turn the sirus music on the dish that was hooked up to the stereo. You'd want me to listen to someones new song that just came out. I would be in doubt which you always knew I would be so you'd start talking fast telling me that this band is one that usually does all the growling & screaming you loved so much but this song was different, it was slow and showed the bands true voices but what you really wanted me to do was listen to the words sang. It was always about the lyrics with you. It's amazing you weren't a folk singer since you loved how the music told a story. You would always pick the song that spoke to your heart over what was going on with you at that moment. That's a gift. Most just listen to the music so they can bang their heads with no clue what the song was all about. You not only knew what it was about but you would research who wrote it and why they wrote it so you could tell me all about every emotion that went into the song. You opened my heart up to music I would have never listen to if it hadn't been for you telling your amazing stories. I love you more for that.
As I laid there with my head on your shoulder the song came on by Celin Dion called "How Do I Live Without You". Talk about timing. I never liked that song but it was so powerful at that very moment because it spoke everything I felt. I just melted into you and cried my heart out.
This is the part where I know you are laughing. Earlier when the family arrived I didn't know it. I was standing there by your bed feeling so lost and scared when someone grabbed me from behind, swung me around and hugged me with a fierceness that only a parent could do. It was your Aunt Bubby. I just melted for a minute. It was a relief to have the person that I had gone a big part of my life calling her my best friend there with me when I didn't know how I was going to deal with the next moment in your life. Next came your Cousin Emily who was crying as soon as she entered the room and saw you laying there. The difference is she might have been crying but she's one mighty little prayer warrior when you can get her Me Me Me eyes off herself and on to the need. She had your hand in her hand praying for you before I could even say hello. Your Aunt Lorie was right behind her. She's been through this before with Leman, Damion & Bruce's son so she knows the pain. Emily has gone through this with Hugh Dean & Tyler. Bubby went through it with Clint. They all know how important it is for family to be there for one another in times like this. It's the unknown that creates fear. I didn't know if you were going to live or die, we were scared, we were broken and we were humbled. There was only one thing to do & that was hand you over to God and let His will be done with you. I just prayed His will lined up with mine.
I thought all the family being back together for your sake would make you happy. I thought it was something you would have wanted because it had been a few years since I had spoke to most of them. You had told me so many times I needed to let it go when I would cry and ask why they were so selfish & self-centered. You would ask me point blank "Tell me why doesn't my Mimi love me"? I would tell you that your grandmother did love you but she was so busy trying to raise Sarah's kids that she couldn't see she had more grandchildren that might need her too. All you wanted was her to love you. You & I had this bond when it came to things like this. We didn't fake our love. You had it or you didn't.
I remember about 9 months before this journey began you & Lexi had decided to get back together but you were going to do it right. You were going to get your own place with the boys then move her in with you. You were happy and so ready to have her back. I wanted her to just move here with you and you all save your money but Lexi didn't want to live near our family, mainly my mom & your cousins. I was so stubborn not believing you two that our extended family was our worst enemies, you and Lexi set out to prove a point to me that I was not to trust them. You got Lexi on the phone from Kansas and both of you created this crazy story I was suppose to tell in front of my mother, your Mimi. I was to tell them that Lexi was in a little wreck and that she was pregnant......
After you got saved while in jail you were accepted into Drug Court instead of going to prison. I talked you into doing it because I was so scared for you in jail. I know pot is illegal but it's an herb that grows naturally and doesn't kill or hinder a person from functioning in life so to throw a life away to prison for an herb was insane, there had to be an alternative that helped you get away from smoking and allowed you to have your freedom to raise your sons. The one big glitch in this scenario was your drug counselor. Your Aunt Lorie would get drunk and call at weird hours angry over stupid things like her boat she left at our house being moved so we could mow. Her solution was telling me she hoped we all died that night. After years of this I finally had enough. I called the police and started reporting her abusive calls for no other reason than to document them. Oh course she would sober up & be all nice again. I never once heard the words "I'm sorry", I'd suck it up and let her abusive nature continue. She also contacted you when her husband was wanting some pot to smoke and she knew you could get them a bag. This husband turned out to be your drug counselor in Drug Court. That would make him your uncle and to me that was a major conflict of interest since he was the one that had to administer your drug testing. Every time you met him he would tell you he heard you went out and got drunk or he knew you were talking to so-n-so. It was as if you couldn't breath without someone constantly reporting your every move to him. Because you were in drug court one of the rules was you were not allowed to hang around people you had done drugs with in the past. The person you listed as someone that was a trigger for you was Sarah, Lorie's oldest daughter. Drug Court said that even though she was family, she was not allowed to come to our home. This pissed Sarah off. She would call and say this is wrong because now she couldn't come over and leave her children while she went and did whatever she did every night. You were convinced that Sarah was the one telling everything you did or didn't do to Bruce who was in turn telling the judge who was in charge of your freedom. I didn't believe it was this vicious so you & Lexi were going to prove me wrong by the pregnant fib I was to tell.
While you were gone to a NA meeting I waited for Rick to come home from work to start the little lie. While mom sat in her chair within hearing distance I told Rick that Lexi had a little wreck and went to the hospital because she was pregnant. Rick lost his mind and I had to wait for him to leave the room so I could follow him and whisper that it was a made up story. The phone rang & it was Sarah calling to talk to mom. An hour later you got a call from Bruce asking you if Lexi was pregnant. I was laughing so hard when you pointed out that Sarah was telling Lorie & Lorie was telling Bruce everything. Then you reversed this by telling Bruce some things about Sarah to prove to me that Bruce also was being one of the gossip girls and by the next day Sarah was calling and asking about what you said. The sad thing was the trust was gone, you couldn't trust Bruce, Sarah was out to get you out of this house so she could come back here and let my mom take care of her and her kids while she shot up drugs. Your drug court situation was a total no win situation that was not going to work out for you at all. I was angry because there was a major breech in the counselor and patient confidentiality. The next day Bruce told you that one of you had to go and it wasn't going to be him. I had you tell your probation officer about what was going on and she said she didn't want to know about it because it was between you and Bruce. That was the final nail. You knew you would be going to prison pretty soon and Sarah was going to get her way. You were so hurt. That night you cried and ask me why they all hated you so much. I had no answer for you. My heart ached for you. You told me to hold these people at arms length & to not trust them but here I am, holding you in the hospital convincing myself that you would want us all back together. I let my guard down & let them all back into my life wanting so desperately to believe like an abused person that this time would be different. Maybe this time they might love you enough to stay because at this point I didn't care what anyone felt about me. All I knew was I couldn't live without you.
At some point I knew Rick and I were getting pretty tired from lack of sleep when we both thought it was around 9:00 pm only to find it was 1:00pm. We all were in your room hoping the nurse on duty didn't run us out after visiting time. If we stayed quiet they seemed to ignore us. You were sleeping so peaceful except for an occasional tremor in your right forearm that almost went unnoticed if it hadn't been for me constantly holding your hand.
Nathan Noel was taking your health very hard. Most had gone outside to smoke and it was just Nathan and me in the room with you. He was crying and telling me he should have been around more, that he drifted away when he moved to Kansas. I told him we all grow up and start our families but he always managed to find his way back home and check in with you to keep that bond growing.
I decided that I had some amazing news that Nathan wouldn't know about you since he'd been gone the past year. He didn't know you were saved. That's a biggie for me. You were always the one that fought my faith so hard when I knew it was God you were really fighting. All those times when I would talk about God and you would get mad telling me that God isn't real, I just kept praying for you because I knew God had this amazing way to get a hold of people like you and me just to flip our worlds around and totally amaze us because at one time in my life I use to be you. I began telling Nathan the story of how you got put in jail the year before for swimming after hours in the pool and how everything was falling apart in your life. It was September of 2009, you were sitting in a jail cell wondering how you got there. You told the story how your life was laid out in front of you, all the bad choices and wasted opportunities. You were in jail with another that was a Christian. Through the two of you talking a lot about the Bible and what truths it meant to your cell mate you began earnestly asking questions about salvation. You said you were ready for a change, you had fought it for so many years and you were ready to let it go and let God have his way.
"Hey mom guess what, I did it, I got saved"
As I told the story to Nathan he began to cry. He kept saying "David really said that? David really did that"? I told him how there was such a change in you during this past year. Yes you were still a sinner but you were a major work in progress. God was dealing with you on so many levels. I told Nathan about our fight just the other day when I found that awful book in your room talking about satan. I remember saying to you "David you are a man of God, you know what satan is all about and you choose to bring this crap into our home?" You're answer to me was, "I know mom, it will be ok". You smiled and melted my heart. The old David would have told me there was no God and that satan was cool, just to set me off. It was so amazing to see how God had transformed you.
Nathan was amazed by the stories I told him about how you had changed. He cried and said "I need to get saved, I'm not saved". I knew at that moment that Nathan would follow your lead. He always did. Sometimes that lead was into a tree, or a lake but this time it was going to be to a new life. Yea we are all under construction but we have a eternal destiny that makes that work in progress so much more meaningful. Sometimes we take detours and I was looking at this day in your life as a major detour that only God could lead you out of.
That's another thing that I have been fighting. You know how I'm a control freak. I have tried to control everything that was centered in our life yet I've never had any control. It's a crazy chase your tail kind of life but it's still a part of my being. I like to know my children are home safe with me instead of laying in hospital beds on life support. At that moment my frustration was on high alert because I was so helpless. I had zero control over everything going on with you. It also seemed the doctors had zero control too. There wasn't a pill or a procedure they could think of that would change what was going on with you. Only God & you knew what was going to happen next. I wanted to just lay hands on you like Jesus said, use Jesus name as He told us to do when He said to ask and it shall be given unto you. I wanted my will to be done in Jesus name. I worried that God's will wasn't the same as mine.
Trust, that's a hard one when it's your child.
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