September 19, 4:00 p.m.
My body and mind are weary. I'm so happy that others are there with us to encourage and help us stand through this. It's been a long day that felt like weeks already. I didn't want to speak my fears in fear they would come true. I knew that enough negitive had been spoke over you in the first few hours that I wanted to block this out and not allow another word to be said in your room that was slightly negative. This became my mission and before this journey was over with there wouldn't be a nurse, doctor, chaplin, friend or family member that wouldn't follow this rule. Some had to learn the hard way simular to the way you & I had to learn things in our life too.
Since I knew you could hear us, my rule was that you would only hear positive things said. We don't know why God chooses to heal some and take others home with Him but I feel that you had a say in this decision. I just needed a sign from you that you were fighting. I needed this to light my fire to also fight.
Whenever a nurse would come in and adjust some machine I would ask what it was and why it was being used, what results were they looking for. It was time to educate myself on your recovery. The one machine to the left of you showed us your blood pressure which held steady at 96/ 68, your oxygen level was at 100%, your heart beats per minute were at 90, your breaths per minute were 14 but something was odd about the number because it kept changing. Every hour the resporator techs would come in and hook up to their computer to check all your oxegen levels. There were numbers and graphs that went over our head. This machine was to the right of you. Rick always seemed to be standing to your right near your resporator that breathed for you. I always stayed to your left so I could get as close to you as I could without all the tubes & wires. I basically climbed into your bed.
It's was around 4:00 pm when one of the resporator techs came in to do their checkup. They never asked us to step out and were always very aware of us being there. They would answer any question we ask but what I liked about them the most was the way they answered. They educated us as if they understood we needed something to grasp hold of, something to show us a progress or decline, hope.
Rick ask the tech what the 14 stood for on your resporator and the machine that was over my head. We thought they might be connected since they showed the same numbers. The actual respirator machine we learned was the numbers we wanted to follow. It gave an accurate level to your breaths taken, your oxygen level and everything that was sustaining your life right then. The tech explained that he had you set up to take 14 breaths per minute. Rick ask what the next set of numbers were that stayed around 18. The tech said that was the amount of breaths the machine took PLUS the breaths you were taking on your own.
Did you hear that??? You were taking breaths on your own!!!! The hair on mine & Rick's arms were standing on end. Rick asked again about you breathing on your own as if we might have misunderstood. He confirmed once again that you were indeed breathing on your own. He showed us how to watch the graph on your resporator, the lines would climb for the breath then dip down when you exhaled. The gragh lines were black but you could see gray shades at the beginning of every breath. The tech explained that the grey coloring on the graph was all you initiating the breaths but you weren't breathing stong enough just yet so the machine was finsishing them for you. Rick quickly asked if this was a brain funtion to breath on your own. Yes, this was a brain function which means the first doctor was wrong, you were not brain dead!!
We are glowing. You were breathing. This was a praise God moment.
This was that 1% hope I needed to strengthen my faith to stand with you in this fight. This was a message from you telling me that you were not giving up, that you were fighting your way back to us. I was not going to give up on you. I promised you right then that I would stand strong in faith with you. I was not going to hold my breath in fear any more.
I finally exhaled.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
In Memory Of David Sims (Part 5)
The family began to arrive early that morning. All the drama & hate that follows these people around couldn't touch me now because the only person I could focus on was you. The devil could have been sitting on my head and I would have been clueless at that moment. I was so distraught over talking to the doctors that morning that I don't recall who came when but the room soon filled up. Some of your real friends were there, Josh & his very pregnant wife Erika were there, Nathan & his very pregnant wife was also there. By the way, she's very sweet, Nathan married an amazing woman. They all cried and held one another when we passed on what the doctor had said about the test results that had been ran so far. We tried to figure out what happened to you. Everyone was as dumbfounded as we were over how you were found in a parking lot dead. We all asked each other the same questions over & over with no answers. Someone out there knew what happened to you but my main focus at that very moment was you waking up. I was not ready to let you go.
All the smokers couldn't handle staying in the room for long periods of time before the urge to smoke got the best of them. I guess I understood, if I smoked I'd be doing it too if it really helped my stress. I also didn't mind when they all went to smoke because it allowed me and Rick alone time with you. Since your nurse told us that coma patients could hear, we talked to you all the time. You're nurse told us that there was a study on brain injury patients that showed music help improve their healing. This was the prefect medicine for you since music has been a major part of your life. It's how you express yourself. I could always tell what mood you were in by what music was streaming from your bedroom. I could hear you up there singing and would just smile. Sometimes I would even know the songs you were playing.you have no idea home many times I sat at the bottom of the stairs with your bedroom right above me and listened to you sing.
I turned the radio station on to the only rock channel I could find on your tv, placed the speaker by your ear and let your brain have some healing time. I laid my head on your shoulder and thought of all the times you would come downstairs and turn the sirus music on the dish that was hooked up to the stereo. You'd want me to listen to someones new song that just came out. I would be in doubt which you always knew I would be so you'd start talking fast telling me that this band is one that usually does all the growling & screaming you loved so much but this song was different, it was slow and showed the bands true voices but what you really wanted me to do was listen to the words sang. It was always about the lyrics with you. It's amazing you weren't a folk singer since you loved how the music told a story. You would always pick the song that spoke to your heart over what was going on with you at that moment. That's a gift. Most just listen to the music so they can bang their heads with no clue what the song was all about. You not only knew what it was about but you would research who wrote it and why they wrote it so you could tell me all about every emotion that went into the song. You opened my heart up to music I would have never listen to if it hadn't been for you telling your amazing stories. I love you more for that.
As I laid there with my head on your shoulder the song came on by Celin Dion called "How Do I Live Without You". Talk about timing. I never liked that song but it was so powerful at that very moment because it spoke everything I felt. I just melted into you and cried my heart out.
This is the part where I know you are laughing. Earlier when the family arrived I didn't know it. I was standing there by your bed feeling so lost and scared when someone grabbed me from behind, swung me around and hugged me with a fierceness that only a parent could do. It was your Aunt Bubby. I just melted for a minute. It was a relief to have the person that I had gone a big part of my life calling her my best friend there with me when I didn't know how I was going to deal with the next moment in your life. Next came your Cousin Emily who was crying as soon as she entered the room and saw you laying there. The difference is she might have been crying but she's one mighty little prayer warrior when you can get her Me Me Me eyes off herself and on to the need. She had your hand in her hand praying for you before I could even say hello. Your Aunt Lorie was right behind her. She's been through this before with Leman, Damion & Bruce's son so she knows the pain. Emily has gone through this with Hugh Dean & Tyler. Bubby went through it with Clint. They all know how important it is for family to be there for one another in times like this. It's the unknown that creates fear. I didn't know if you were going to live or die, we were scared, we were broken and we were humbled. There was only one thing to do & that was hand you over to God and let His will be done with you. I just prayed His will lined up with mine.
I thought all the family being back together for your sake would make you happy. I thought it was something you would have wanted because it had been a few years since I had spoke to most of them. You had told me so many times I needed to let it go when I would cry and ask why they were so selfish & self-centered. You would ask me point blank "Tell me why doesn't my Mimi love me"? I would tell you that your grandmother did love you but she was so busy trying to raise Sarah's kids that she couldn't see she had more grandchildren that might need her too. All you wanted was her to love you. You & I had this bond when it came to things like this. We didn't fake our love. You had it or you didn't.
I remember about 9 months before this journey began you & Lexi had decided to get back together but you were going to do it right. You were going to get your own place with the boys then move her in with you. You were happy and so ready to have her back. I wanted her to just move here with you and you all save your money but Lexi didn't want to live near our family, mainly my mom & your cousins. I was so stubborn not believing you two that our extended family was our worst enemies, you and Lexi set out to prove a point to me that I was not to trust them. You got Lexi on the phone from Kansas and both of you created this crazy story I was suppose to tell in front of my mother, your Mimi. I was to tell them that Lexi was in a little wreck and that she was pregnant......
After you got saved while in jail you were accepted into Drug Court instead of going to prison. I talked you into doing it because I was so scared for you in jail. I know pot is illegal but it's an herb that grows naturally and doesn't kill or hinder a person from functioning in life so to throw a life away to prison for an herb was insane, there had to be an alternative that helped you get away from smoking and allowed you to have your freedom to raise your sons. The one big glitch in this scenario was your drug counselor. Your Aunt Lorie would get drunk and call at weird hours angry over stupid things like her boat she left at our house being moved so we could mow. Her solution was telling me she hoped we all died that night. After years of this I finally had enough. I called the police and started reporting her abusive calls for no other reason than to document them. Oh course she would sober up & be all nice again. I never once heard the words "I'm sorry", I'd suck it up and let her abusive nature continue. She also contacted you when her husband was wanting some pot to smoke and she knew you could get them a bag. This husband turned out to be your drug counselor in Drug Court. That would make him your uncle and to me that was a major conflict of interest since he was the one that had to administer your drug testing. Every time you met him he would tell you he heard you went out and got drunk or he knew you were talking to so-n-so. It was as if you couldn't breath without someone constantly reporting your every move to him. Because you were in drug court one of the rules was you were not allowed to hang around people you had done drugs with in the past. The person you listed as someone that was a trigger for you was Sarah, Lorie's oldest daughter. Drug Court said that even though she was family, she was not allowed to come to our home. This pissed Sarah off. She would call and say this is wrong because now she couldn't come over and leave her children while she went and did whatever she did every night. You were convinced that Sarah was the one telling everything you did or didn't do to Bruce who was in turn telling the judge who was in charge of your freedom. I didn't believe it was this vicious so you & Lexi were going to prove me wrong by the pregnant fib I was to tell.
While you were gone to a NA meeting I waited for Rick to come home from work to start the little lie. While mom sat in her chair within hearing distance I told Rick that Lexi had a little wreck and went to the hospital because she was pregnant. Rick lost his mind and I had to wait for him to leave the room so I could follow him and whisper that it was a made up story. The phone rang & it was Sarah calling to talk to mom. An hour later you got a call from Bruce asking you if Lexi was pregnant. I was laughing so hard when you pointed out that Sarah was telling Lorie & Lorie was telling Bruce everything. Then you reversed this by telling Bruce some things about Sarah to prove to me that Bruce also was being one of the gossip girls and by the next day Sarah was calling and asking about what you said. The sad thing was the trust was gone, you couldn't trust Bruce, Sarah was out to get you out of this house so she could come back here and let my mom take care of her and her kids while she shot up drugs. Your drug court situation was a total no win situation that was not going to work out for you at all. I was angry because there was a major breech in the counselor and patient confidentiality. The next day Bruce told you that one of you had to go and it wasn't going to be him. I had you tell your probation officer about what was going on and she said she didn't want to know about it because it was between you and Bruce. That was the final nail. You knew you would be going to prison pretty soon and Sarah was going to get her way. You were so hurt. That night you cried and ask me why they all hated you so much. I had no answer for you. My heart ached for you. You told me to hold these people at arms length & to not trust them but here I am, holding you in the hospital convincing myself that you would want us all back together. I let my guard down & let them all back into my life wanting so desperately to believe like an abused person that this time would be different. Maybe this time they might love you enough to stay because at this point I didn't care what anyone felt about me. All I knew was I couldn't live without you.
At some point I knew Rick and I were getting pretty tired from lack of sleep when we both thought it was around 9:00 pm only to find it was 1:00pm. We all were in your room hoping the nurse on duty didn't run us out after visiting time. If we stayed quiet they seemed to ignore us. You were sleeping so peaceful except for an occasional tremor in your right forearm that almost went unnoticed if it hadn't been for me constantly holding your hand.
Nathan Noel was taking your health very hard. Most had gone outside to smoke and it was just Nathan and me in the room with you. He was crying and telling me he should have been around more, that he drifted away when he moved to Kansas. I told him we all grow up and start our families but he always managed to find his way back home and check in with you to keep that bond growing.
I decided that I had some amazing news that Nathan wouldn't know about you since he'd been gone the past year. He didn't know you were saved. That's a biggie for me. You were always the one that fought my faith so hard when I knew it was God you were really fighting. All those times when I would talk about God and you would get mad telling me that God isn't real, I just kept praying for you because I knew God had this amazing way to get a hold of people like you and me just to flip our worlds around and totally amaze us because at one time in my life I use to be you. I began telling Nathan the story of how you got put in jail the year before for swimming after hours in the pool and how everything was falling apart in your life. It was September of 2009, you were sitting in a jail cell wondering how you got there. You told the story how your life was laid out in front of you, all the bad choices and wasted opportunities. You were in jail with another that was a Christian. Through the two of you talking a lot about the Bible and what truths it meant to your cell mate you began earnestly asking questions about salvation. You said you were ready for a change, you had fought it for so many years and you were ready to let it go and let God have his way.
"Hey mom guess what, I did it, I got saved"
As I told the story to Nathan he began to cry. He kept saying "David really said that? David really did that"? I told him how there was such a change in you during this past year. Yes you were still a sinner but you were a major work in progress. God was dealing with you on so many levels. I told Nathan about our fight just the other day when I found that awful book in your room talking about satan. I remember saying to you "David you are a man of God, you know what satan is all about and you choose to bring this crap into our home?" You're answer to me was, "I know mom, it will be ok". You smiled and melted my heart. The old David would have told me there was no God and that satan was cool, just to set me off. It was so amazing to see how God had transformed you.
Nathan was amazed by the stories I told him about how you had changed. He cried and said "I need to get saved, I'm not saved". I knew at that moment that Nathan would follow your lead. He always did. Sometimes that lead was into a tree, or a lake but this time it was going to be to a new life. Yea we are all under construction but we have a eternal destiny that makes that work in progress so much more meaningful. Sometimes we take detours and I was looking at this day in your life as a major detour that only God could lead you out of.
That's another thing that I have been fighting. You know how I'm a control freak. I have tried to control everything that was centered in our life yet I've never had any control. It's a crazy chase your tail kind of life but it's still a part of my being. I like to know my children are home safe with me instead of laying in hospital beds on life support. At that moment my frustration was on high alert because I was so helpless. I had zero control over everything going on with you. It also seemed the doctors had zero control too. There wasn't a pill or a procedure they could think of that would change what was going on with you. Only God & you knew what was going to happen next. I wanted to just lay hands on you like Jesus said, use Jesus name as He told us to do when He said to ask and it shall be given unto you. I wanted my will to be done in Jesus name. I worried that God's will wasn't the same as mine.
Trust, that's a hard one when it's your child.
All the smokers couldn't handle staying in the room for long periods of time before the urge to smoke got the best of them. I guess I understood, if I smoked I'd be doing it too if it really helped my stress. I also didn't mind when they all went to smoke because it allowed me and Rick alone time with you. Since your nurse told us that coma patients could hear, we talked to you all the time. You're nurse told us that there was a study on brain injury patients that showed music help improve their healing. This was the prefect medicine for you since music has been a major part of your life. It's how you express yourself. I could always tell what mood you were in by what music was streaming from your bedroom. I could hear you up there singing and would just smile. Sometimes I would even know the songs you were playing.you have no idea home many times I sat at the bottom of the stairs with your bedroom right above me and listened to you sing.
I turned the radio station on to the only rock channel I could find on your tv, placed the speaker by your ear and let your brain have some healing time. I laid my head on your shoulder and thought of all the times you would come downstairs and turn the sirus music on the dish that was hooked up to the stereo. You'd want me to listen to someones new song that just came out. I would be in doubt which you always knew I would be so you'd start talking fast telling me that this band is one that usually does all the growling & screaming you loved so much but this song was different, it was slow and showed the bands true voices but what you really wanted me to do was listen to the words sang. It was always about the lyrics with you. It's amazing you weren't a folk singer since you loved how the music told a story. You would always pick the song that spoke to your heart over what was going on with you at that moment. That's a gift. Most just listen to the music so they can bang their heads with no clue what the song was all about. You not only knew what it was about but you would research who wrote it and why they wrote it so you could tell me all about every emotion that went into the song. You opened my heart up to music I would have never listen to if it hadn't been for you telling your amazing stories. I love you more for that.
As I laid there with my head on your shoulder the song came on by Celin Dion called "How Do I Live Without You". Talk about timing. I never liked that song but it was so powerful at that very moment because it spoke everything I felt. I just melted into you and cried my heart out.
This is the part where I know you are laughing. Earlier when the family arrived I didn't know it. I was standing there by your bed feeling so lost and scared when someone grabbed me from behind, swung me around and hugged me with a fierceness that only a parent could do. It was your Aunt Bubby. I just melted for a minute. It was a relief to have the person that I had gone a big part of my life calling her my best friend there with me when I didn't know how I was going to deal with the next moment in your life. Next came your Cousin Emily who was crying as soon as she entered the room and saw you laying there. The difference is she might have been crying but she's one mighty little prayer warrior when you can get her Me Me Me eyes off herself and on to the need. She had your hand in her hand praying for you before I could even say hello. Your Aunt Lorie was right behind her. She's been through this before with Leman, Damion & Bruce's son so she knows the pain. Emily has gone through this with Hugh Dean & Tyler. Bubby went through it with Clint. They all know how important it is for family to be there for one another in times like this. It's the unknown that creates fear. I didn't know if you were going to live or die, we were scared, we were broken and we were humbled. There was only one thing to do & that was hand you over to God and let His will be done with you. I just prayed His will lined up with mine.
I thought all the family being back together for your sake would make you happy. I thought it was something you would have wanted because it had been a few years since I had spoke to most of them. You had told me so many times I needed to let it go when I would cry and ask why they were so selfish & self-centered. You would ask me point blank "Tell me why doesn't my Mimi love me"? I would tell you that your grandmother did love you but she was so busy trying to raise Sarah's kids that she couldn't see she had more grandchildren that might need her too. All you wanted was her to love you. You & I had this bond when it came to things like this. We didn't fake our love. You had it or you didn't.
I remember about 9 months before this journey began you & Lexi had decided to get back together but you were going to do it right. You were going to get your own place with the boys then move her in with you. You were happy and so ready to have her back. I wanted her to just move here with you and you all save your money but Lexi didn't want to live near our family, mainly my mom & your cousins. I was so stubborn not believing you two that our extended family was our worst enemies, you and Lexi set out to prove a point to me that I was not to trust them. You got Lexi on the phone from Kansas and both of you created this crazy story I was suppose to tell in front of my mother, your Mimi. I was to tell them that Lexi was in a little wreck and that she was pregnant......
After you got saved while in jail you were accepted into Drug Court instead of going to prison. I talked you into doing it because I was so scared for you in jail. I know pot is illegal but it's an herb that grows naturally and doesn't kill or hinder a person from functioning in life so to throw a life away to prison for an herb was insane, there had to be an alternative that helped you get away from smoking and allowed you to have your freedom to raise your sons. The one big glitch in this scenario was your drug counselor. Your Aunt Lorie would get drunk and call at weird hours angry over stupid things like her boat she left at our house being moved so we could mow. Her solution was telling me she hoped we all died that night. After years of this I finally had enough. I called the police and started reporting her abusive calls for no other reason than to document them. Oh course she would sober up & be all nice again. I never once heard the words "I'm sorry", I'd suck it up and let her abusive nature continue. She also contacted you when her husband was wanting some pot to smoke and she knew you could get them a bag. This husband turned out to be your drug counselor in Drug Court. That would make him your uncle and to me that was a major conflict of interest since he was the one that had to administer your drug testing. Every time you met him he would tell you he heard you went out and got drunk or he knew you were talking to so-n-so. It was as if you couldn't breath without someone constantly reporting your every move to him. Because you were in drug court one of the rules was you were not allowed to hang around people you had done drugs with in the past. The person you listed as someone that was a trigger for you was Sarah, Lorie's oldest daughter. Drug Court said that even though she was family, she was not allowed to come to our home. This pissed Sarah off. She would call and say this is wrong because now she couldn't come over and leave her children while she went and did whatever she did every night. You were convinced that Sarah was the one telling everything you did or didn't do to Bruce who was in turn telling the judge who was in charge of your freedom. I didn't believe it was this vicious so you & Lexi were going to prove me wrong by the pregnant fib I was to tell.
While you were gone to a NA meeting I waited for Rick to come home from work to start the little lie. While mom sat in her chair within hearing distance I told Rick that Lexi had a little wreck and went to the hospital because she was pregnant. Rick lost his mind and I had to wait for him to leave the room so I could follow him and whisper that it was a made up story. The phone rang & it was Sarah calling to talk to mom. An hour later you got a call from Bruce asking you if Lexi was pregnant. I was laughing so hard when you pointed out that Sarah was telling Lorie & Lorie was telling Bruce everything. Then you reversed this by telling Bruce some things about Sarah to prove to me that Bruce also was being one of the gossip girls and by the next day Sarah was calling and asking about what you said. The sad thing was the trust was gone, you couldn't trust Bruce, Sarah was out to get you out of this house so she could come back here and let my mom take care of her and her kids while she shot up drugs. Your drug court situation was a total no win situation that was not going to work out for you at all. I was angry because there was a major breech in the counselor and patient confidentiality. The next day Bruce told you that one of you had to go and it wasn't going to be him. I had you tell your probation officer about what was going on and she said she didn't want to know about it because it was between you and Bruce. That was the final nail. You knew you would be going to prison pretty soon and Sarah was going to get her way. You were so hurt. That night you cried and ask me why they all hated you so much. I had no answer for you. My heart ached for you. You told me to hold these people at arms length & to not trust them but here I am, holding you in the hospital convincing myself that you would want us all back together. I let my guard down & let them all back into my life wanting so desperately to believe like an abused person that this time would be different. Maybe this time they might love you enough to stay because at this point I didn't care what anyone felt about me. All I knew was I couldn't live without you.
At some point I knew Rick and I were getting pretty tired from lack of sleep when we both thought it was around 9:00 pm only to find it was 1:00pm. We all were in your room hoping the nurse on duty didn't run us out after visiting time. If we stayed quiet they seemed to ignore us. You were sleeping so peaceful except for an occasional tremor in your right forearm that almost went unnoticed if it hadn't been for me constantly holding your hand.
Nathan Noel was taking your health very hard. Most had gone outside to smoke and it was just Nathan and me in the room with you. He was crying and telling me he should have been around more, that he drifted away when he moved to Kansas. I told him we all grow up and start our families but he always managed to find his way back home and check in with you to keep that bond growing.
I decided that I had some amazing news that Nathan wouldn't know about you since he'd been gone the past year. He didn't know you were saved. That's a biggie for me. You were always the one that fought my faith so hard when I knew it was God you were really fighting. All those times when I would talk about God and you would get mad telling me that God isn't real, I just kept praying for you because I knew God had this amazing way to get a hold of people like you and me just to flip our worlds around and totally amaze us because at one time in my life I use to be you. I began telling Nathan the story of how you got put in jail the year before for swimming after hours in the pool and how everything was falling apart in your life. It was September of 2009, you were sitting in a jail cell wondering how you got there. You told the story how your life was laid out in front of you, all the bad choices and wasted opportunities. You were in jail with another that was a Christian. Through the two of you talking a lot about the Bible and what truths it meant to your cell mate you began earnestly asking questions about salvation. You said you were ready for a change, you had fought it for so many years and you were ready to let it go and let God have his way.
"Hey mom guess what, I did it, I got saved"
As I told the story to Nathan he began to cry. He kept saying "David really said that? David really did that"? I told him how there was such a change in you during this past year. Yes you were still a sinner but you were a major work in progress. God was dealing with you on so many levels. I told Nathan about our fight just the other day when I found that awful book in your room talking about satan. I remember saying to you "David you are a man of God, you know what satan is all about and you choose to bring this crap into our home?" You're answer to me was, "I know mom, it will be ok". You smiled and melted my heart. The old David would have told me there was no God and that satan was cool, just to set me off. It was so amazing to see how God had transformed you.
Nathan was amazed by the stories I told him about how you had changed. He cried and said "I need to get saved, I'm not saved". I knew at that moment that Nathan would follow your lead. He always did. Sometimes that lead was into a tree, or a lake but this time it was going to be to a new life. Yea we are all under construction but we have a eternal destiny that makes that work in progress so much more meaningful. Sometimes we take detours and I was looking at this day in your life as a major detour that only God could lead you out of.
That's another thing that I have been fighting. You know how I'm a control freak. I have tried to control everything that was centered in our life yet I've never had any control. It's a crazy chase your tail kind of life but it's still a part of my being. I like to know my children are home safe with me instead of laying in hospital beds on life support. At that moment my frustration was on high alert because I was so helpless. I had zero control over everything going on with you. It also seemed the doctors had zero control too. There wasn't a pill or a procedure they could think of that would change what was going on with you. Only God & you knew what was going to happen next. I wanted to just lay hands on you like Jesus said, use Jesus name as He told us to do when He said to ask and it shall be given unto you. I wanted my will to be done in Jesus name. I worried that God's will wasn't the same as mine.
Trust, that's a hard one when it's your child.
Monday, October 11, 2010
In Memory Of David Sims (Part 4)
It's hard to believe it's only been hours since this all began. I'm talking to Rick and telling him things I thought happened days ago and he's saying "Honey that was this morning". Time is such a fickled thing when the world is holding it's breath.
It's still Sunday, September 19th, one day after my birthday. I wonder how old I am. At the moment I can't do the math but I'm feeling very old and I'm scared but I don't dare say it out loud. I was told one time in church our words can bring life or death. We can say to a child you are worthless and kill their self worth or we can say you can do all things and birth possibility. I remember this and don't want to speak negativity about my son, he is going to wakeup, he's going to live and be amazing.
Your nurse comes in and is fluttering around the room taking your vitals. I ask her for a wash cloth and take my hairbrush out of my purse. You never let your hair become a tangled mess like this. I hate the tape that is wrapped around your head to help hold the respirator in place. She handed me the warm wash cloth and said "talk to him, he hears you".
I had tears in my eyes and ask how she knew you could hear me. She went on to explain that every coma patient when they wake up tell the staff or family things that was said or done to them while in the coma that they shouldn't know. They talk like they are standing back watching everything go on around them they know who came to see them, conversations other's had while they were in a coma. She said she knew for a fact you could hear us, especially me because I was mama. You would prove this a fact to me so many times during the next 10 days so I started talking to you, pouring my heart out, telling you what was going on, what the doctors were saying, what I was feeling, who came to see you, who was praying for you, how scared I was. I told you that I understand if you need to sleep to heal but I sure could use a sign from you that you are ok. I didn't know if you were in pain or what happened to you.
My imagination has gone in every direction on what happened to you last night. Did someone get high with you and then just dump you out on the side of the road when something went wrong? Were you just out for a walk and had a heart defect that dropped you to the ground? Most disturbing thought was when we were told that the person that found you said you were blue. They said you were dead. If I was driving by a dark parking lot at night and saw a dead person laying there, would I just load them up in my car & drive to the hospital or would I call 911? Did this person know what really happened to you? I need answers but I believed those answers would come when you woke up.
The first ICU doctor we saw verified we had no more answers to what happened to you before you came to the hospital. He seemed to be in a big hurry and just wanted to put the facts out there and move on. He told us this is what they knew at the moment, that whatever caused you to stop breathing was unknown but the fact that you went too long without oxygen to your brain was serious. He explained that a brain can receive some damage from just going five minutes without oxygen but in your case the severity of the damage they felt was caused from going extremely too long. Your brain at that moment wasn't able to preform life sustaining functions like breathing on your own. He said that if someone had just breathed 2 rescue breaths into you that you would have probably walked out of the hospital that night. Just 2 rescue breaths. I took CPR when I was a teenage lifeguard. I took it again when I had each one of you kids. Hospitals won't let us take you all home after giving birth these days without a CPR class. The last time I took it was the day I brought Ariel home after she was born. Sarah was with me and we talked about how many times we've had to learn this & that now we could teach this class. How long had you laid in that parking lot not breathing before these women found you? This doctor's final words to us before he left the room changed my life.
"Your son went too long without oxygen. He is probably brain dead and will never wake up".
I heard the words but my mind & my heart were screaming NOOOOOOOOO! This man did not know you, this man did not know this family, it's only been a few hours here and he's only seen you for a few minutes, this was not real and I was not going to believe this. It was too early to tell me this. He was just a doctor, he was just human, he was wrong!!!
He left the room and I broke down crying. Rick looked shell shocked. I think he was thinking the same thing I was. This was not real. I grabbed you and held on tight. I kissed your cheek and your forehead. I held your warm hand, felt your heart beat, watched you breath and knew in my heart you were not going to leave me. My heart was breaking, I couldn't breath, someone was behind me, it was Rick, he was crying and holding you and me both. I was soaking you with my tears. This was not happening. That doctor was wrong. You are not leaving me. I love you so much I just can't breathe, God please don't take him, not now, I can't do this.
It wasn't even daylight yet. How can they make a judgment call so quick?
We were asked to step out of your room and go back to the waiting room while they did a shift change. New nurses and doctors were coming to work. New ideas and new opinions where clocking in. I'm holding on to a thread of hope because the neurologist hadn't seen you yet.
While we were in the waiting room I got onto the laptop and went to my home away from home site to update my friends on what was going on and to ask for their thoughts and prayers for you. I didn't have much answers so I probably caused more confusion and worry. The important thing was they are good people with big hearts, they were praying and sending out their strength for you and for me. While I was asking for prayer from my friends, Rick was making a few phone calls to our family. What a dysfunctional family we have. I would later learn what you always tried to teach me when it came to the term family, that it's not always the ones that share our DNA.
I raised you to be very family oriented. I got this trait from my grandparents Gene & Vera Hargis whom I lovingly called Nana & Po. After they died I worked so hard trying to keep our family united. I felt it was so important that we still get together on Sundays after church. Everyone use to say that once mom was gone the family gathering place would be passed down to me since I'm the one that wanted it. I spent so much time trying to mend fences among them all that it's amazing we lasted as long as we did. Bub was constantly mad at Sarah for insulting Zach and swore they were never doing family get together's as long as she was there. It would take months to convince them that family was important and to just ignore Sarah's jealousy of Zach, this war began when Zach was just a baby, it wasn't going to end over Sunday dinner. Bub would tell me that Lorie's kids were all the drama in the family and that spiritually it was draining her, Scott refused to go over to mom's any more because of it. I finally convinced them to come back because it was important to me to carry on Nana & Po's tradition. We always did everything with the family, the whole lot of them. Your first cousins were more like your sisters. Since you were the only boy until Zach came a long, it was you with 4 girls tormenting and loving the daylights out of you. There was nothing they all wouldn't do with you or to you or for you. You were surrounded by Aunts, Uncles, Sister, Brother, Cousins, Niece, Nephews & Grandparents that you loved so much and didn't go a day without seeing them or talking to them because you were raised with that family tradition I held so dear.
Several events had happened in your life that were life changing. Your outlook and attitude was also changing. You would get angry and tell me to let the family go, it was all drama queens and gossip freaks that loved nothing more than to kick you when your down or leave you downing in your own blood. You never elaborated on what had you so riled up or who but you did say never to trust any of them and that all it takes to find out who your real family and friends were was to go through a life changing event in you life like when you were in jail and how hard this same family worked to get you there. I understand you now. I wish I had listened.
First life changing event for you was Lexi running off and leaving you with 2 small boys to raise on your own. That was a doozy. You had to step up and become a man real fast. While this is going on you had people telling you every dirty little detail of your wife as if they were enjoying kicking you while you were down. You know when you hear these words come out of someones mouth they are not your friend "I knew she was shooting up drugs but didn't want to tell you because it would hurt you" Especially when the people "she" was shooting up with were the very people who were telling you they didn't want to hurt you AND they were family. You were having to learn a lot of hard lessons fast.
Next life changing event was the Forth of July in the middle of night you were out with a buddy of yours and you both decided to go to the public pool, climb the fence and go swim. Yea I thought it was funny too but the police didn't. You got arrested and put on probation. While on probation you had to give a urine sample to be tested to make sure you weren't on drugs. You flunked because you had been smoking pot. You were tested again and flunked again for smoking pot so they were talking of sending you to prison. I freaked, you were not prison material. You weren't a bad person, you were trying to find your way in a crazy world while trying to bury your hurt and pain from losing the woman you loved more than anything. You put on your game face as if nothing hurt you but you can't wear a mask around me, I know you. I'm scared and I know you are scared. I also know pot levels your ADHD out. If they can just give the part of pot that helps people with ADHD without smoking it that would be a perfect scenario.
Next life changing event. It's October 2009, you're sitting in Polk County jail feeling broken. You know you can't continue in this direction, you have to do something to make a change in your life for your sons. You were accepting the fact that Lexi wasn't coming back. You still loved her but wanted more for your sons than the broken man you were becoming. That night Duncan was arrested and became your cell mate. You opened up to him and told him you were tired. He told you that you needed God in your life. The two of you stayed up all night long reading the bible and talking about your life. Before the sun rose that morning you knelt down and ask God to forgive you of your sins and invited Jesus into your heart. You were my born again man of God Christian son that I had been praying for your whole life to be saved. Later that day you called me to tell me the good news. "Mom guess what I did last night, I got saved" me "from what"? David "you know mom, I got saved by God"........ silence..... I think I nearly fainted. I was so excited and so filled with joy that I was scared I'd freak you out so I said, "I'm so proud of you baby". After I got off the phone from you I screamed as loud as I could.
After we were sent to the waiting room once again, Rick called your natural father Jerry. My heart sank when he had to make that call. I knew how much you wanted to see your dad and how heart broken you were that he never called or tried to make an effort to see you. It would take this event to bring him back to you. I knew you'd find a way.
The neurologist was there and wanted to talk to us. She was running an EEG test that measures brain waves. In short it lets us know how your brain is working. She is a little thing and she's blunt. I guess they all are.
Dr Zi in broken english ask if we knew what happened to you. We didn't know anything more than what they knew. She tells us that no one picks up a person believed to be dead in a parking lot, she said you call 911. She thinks there is foul play with the story where you were found. She speaks out loud what I had been thinking, that whoever dropped you off at the hospital knew you and knew what happened to you, they were lying.
Dr Zi told us the EEG wasn't good. There wasn't enough activity to sustain life. She raised your eyelid and showed us how your eyes were fixed, your pupils were tiny pin points and wouldn't react to light. My heart broke.
I think I cried a lifetime of tears in those few hours that morning. You were laying there looking so peaceful, so warm, so alive. I was at a dead end and unable to think, I needed strength, I needed to pray. I needed to turn you over to the higher physician and let Him take control.
My only problem was I was so emotional that I didn't even know how to pray. I've prayed my whole life and here I am, my son's life is on the line and I'm numb, I don't even know what to pray for.
I prayed for God to send us prayer warriors that knew what to pray for.
It's still Sunday, September 19th, one day after my birthday. I wonder how old I am. At the moment I can't do the math but I'm feeling very old and I'm scared but I don't dare say it out loud. I was told one time in church our words can bring life or death. We can say to a child you are worthless and kill their self worth or we can say you can do all things and birth possibility. I remember this and don't want to speak negativity about my son, he is going to wakeup, he's going to live and be amazing.
Your nurse comes in and is fluttering around the room taking your vitals. I ask her for a wash cloth and take my hairbrush out of my purse. You never let your hair become a tangled mess like this. I hate the tape that is wrapped around your head to help hold the respirator in place. She handed me the warm wash cloth and said "talk to him, he hears you".
I had tears in my eyes and ask how she knew you could hear me. She went on to explain that every coma patient when they wake up tell the staff or family things that was said or done to them while in the coma that they shouldn't know. They talk like they are standing back watching everything go on around them they know who came to see them, conversations other's had while they were in a coma. She said she knew for a fact you could hear us, especially me because I was mama. You would prove this a fact to me so many times during the next 10 days so I started talking to you, pouring my heart out, telling you what was going on, what the doctors were saying, what I was feeling, who came to see you, who was praying for you, how scared I was. I told you that I understand if you need to sleep to heal but I sure could use a sign from you that you are ok. I didn't know if you were in pain or what happened to you.
My imagination has gone in every direction on what happened to you last night. Did someone get high with you and then just dump you out on the side of the road when something went wrong? Were you just out for a walk and had a heart defect that dropped you to the ground? Most disturbing thought was when we were told that the person that found you said you were blue. They said you were dead. If I was driving by a dark parking lot at night and saw a dead person laying there, would I just load them up in my car & drive to the hospital or would I call 911? Did this person know what really happened to you? I need answers but I believed those answers would come when you woke up.
The first ICU doctor we saw verified we had no more answers to what happened to you before you came to the hospital. He seemed to be in a big hurry and just wanted to put the facts out there and move on. He told us this is what they knew at the moment, that whatever caused you to stop breathing was unknown but the fact that you went too long without oxygen to your brain was serious. He explained that a brain can receive some damage from just going five minutes without oxygen but in your case the severity of the damage they felt was caused from going extremely too long. Your brain at that moment wasn't able to preform life sustaining functions like breathing on your own. He said that if someone had just breathed 2 rescue breaths into you that you would have probably walked out of the hospital that night. Just 2 rescue breaths. I took CPR when I was a teenage lifeguard. I took it again when I had each one of you kids. Hospitals won't let us take you all home after giving birth these days without a CPR class. The last time I took it was the day I brought Ariel home after she was born. Sarah was with me and we talked about how many times we've had to learn this & that now we could teach this class. How long had you laid in that parking lot not breathing before these women found you? This doctor's final words to us before he left the room changed my life.
"Your son went too long without oxygen. He is probably brain dead and will never wake up".
I heard the words but my mind & my heart were screaming NOOOOOOOOO! This man did not know you, this man did not know this family, it's only been a few hours here and he's only seen you for a few minutes, this was not real and I was not going to believe this. It was too early to tell me this. He was just a doctor, he was just human, he was wrong!!!
He left the room and I broke down crying. Rick looked shell shocked. I think he was thinking the same thing I was. This was not real. I grabbed you and held on tight. I kissed your cheek and your forehead. I held your warm hand, felt your heart beat, watched you breath and knew in my heart you were not going to leave me. My heart was breaking, I couldn't breath, someone was behind me, it was Rick, he was crying and holding you and me both. I was soaking you with my tears. This was not happening. That doctor was wrong. You are not leaving me. I love you so much I just can't breathe, God please don't take him, not now, I can't do this.
It wasn't even daylight yet. How can they make a judgment call so quick?
We were asked to step out of your room and go back to the waiting room while they did a shift change. New nurses and doctors were coming to work. New ideas and new opinions where clocking in. I'm holding on to a thread of hope because the neurologist hadn't seen you yet.
While we were in the waiting room I got onto the laptop and went to my home away from home site to update my friends on what was going on and to ask for their thoughts and prayers for you. I didn't have much answers so I probably caused more confusion and worry. The important thing was they are good people with big hearts, they were praying and sending out their strength for you and for me. While I was asking for prayer from my friends, Rick was making a few phone calls to our family. What a dysfunctional family we have. I would later learn what you always tried to teach me when it came to the term family, that it's not always the ones that share our DNA.
I raised you to be very family oriented. I got this trait from my grandparents Gene & Vera Hargis whom I lovingly called Nana & Po. After they died I worked so hard trying to keep our family united. I felt it was so important that we still get together on Sundays after church. Everyone use to say that once mom was gone the family gathering place would be passed down to me since I'm the one that wanted it. I spent so much time trying to mend fences among them all that it's amazing we lasted as long as we did. Bub was constantly mad at Sarah for insulting Zach and swore they were never doing family get together's as long as she was there. It would take months to convince them that family was important and to just ignore Sarah's jealousy of Zach, this war began when Zach was just a baby, it wasn't going to end over Sunday dinner. Bub would tell me that Lorie's kids were all the drama in the family and that spiritually it was draining her, Scott refused to go over to mom's any more because of it. I finally convinced them to come back because it was important to me to carry on Nana & Po's tradition. We always did everything with the family, the whole lot of them. Your first cousins were more like your sisters. Since you were the only boy until Zach came a long, it was you with 4 girls tormenting and loving the daylights out of you. There was nothing they all wouldn't do with you or to you or for you. You were surrounded by Aunts, Uncles, Sister, Brother, Cousins, Niece, Nephews & Grandparents that you loved so much and didn't go a day without seeing them or talking to them because you were raised with that family tradition I held so dear.
Several events had happened in your life that were life changing. Your outlook and attitude was also changing. You would get angry and tell me to let the family go, it was all drama queens and gossip freaks that loved nothing more than to kick you when your down or leave you downing in your own blood. You never elaborated on what had you so riled up or who but you did say never to trust any of them and that all it takes to find out who your real family and friends were was to go through a life changing event in you life like when you were in jail and how hard this same family worked to get you there. I understand you now. I wish I had listened.
First life changing event for you was Lexi running off and leaving you with 2 small boys to raise on your own. That was a doozy. You had to step up and become a man real fast. While this is going on you had people telling you every dirty little detail of your wife as if they were enjoying kicking you while you were down. You know when you hear these words come out of someones mouth they are not your friend "I knew she was shooting up drugs but didn't want to tell you because it would hurt you" Especially when the people "she" was shooting up with were the very people who were telling you they didn't want to hurt you AND they were family. You were having to learn a lot of hard lessons fast.
Next life changing event was the Forth of July in the middle of night you were out with a buddy of yours and you both decided to go to the public pool, climb the fence and go swim. Yea I thought it was funny too but the police didn't. You got arrested and put on probation. While on probation you had to give a urine sample to be tested to make sure you weren't on drugs. You flunked because you had been smoking pot. You were tested again and flunked again for smoking pot so they were talking of sending you to prison. I freaked, you were not prison material. You weren't a bad person, you were trying to find your way in a crazy world while trying to bury your hurt and pain from losing the woman you loved more than anything. You put on your game face as if nothing hurt you but you can't wear a mask around me, I know you. I'm scared and I know you are scared. I also know pot levels your ADHD out. If they can just give the part of pot that helps people with ADHD without smoking it that would be a perfect scenario.
Next life changing event. It's October 2009, you're sitting in Polk County jail feeling broken. You know you can't continue in this direction, you have to do something to make a change in your life for your sons. You were accepting the fact that Lexi wasn't coming back. You still loved her but wanted more for your sons than the broken man you were becoming. That night Duncan was arrested and became your cell mate. You opened up to him and told him you were tired. He told you that you needed God in your life. The two of you stayed up all night long reading the bible and talking about your life. Before the sun rose that morning you knelt down and ask God to forgive you of your sins and invited Jesus into your heart. You were my born again man of God Christian son that I had been praying for your whole life to be saved. Later that day you called me to tell me the good news. "Mom guess what I did last night, I got saved" me "from what"? David "you know mom, I got saved by God"........ silence..... I think I nearly fainted. I was so excited and so filled with joy that I was scared I'd freak you out so I said, "I'm so proud of you baby". After I got off the phone from you I screamed as loud as I could.
After we were sent to the waiting room once again, Rick called your natural father Jerry. My heart sank when he had to make that call. I knew how much you wanted to see your dad and how heart broken you were that he never called or tried to make an effort to see you. It would take this event to bring him back to you. I knew you'd find a way.
The neurologist was there and wanted to talk to us. She was running an EEG test that measures brain waves. In short it lets us know how your brain is working. She is a little thing and she's blunt. I guess they all are.
Dr Zi in broken english ask if we knew what happened to you. We didn't know anything more than what they knew. She tells us that no one picks up a person believed to be dead in a parking lot, she said you call 911. She thinks there is foul play with the story where you were found. She speaks out loud what I had been thinking, that whoever dropped you off at the hospital knew you and knew what happened to you, they were lying.
Dr Zi told us the EEG wasn't good. There wasn't enough activity to sustain life. She raised your eyelid and showed us how your eyes were fixed, your pupils were tiny pin points and wouldn't react to light. My heart broke.
I think I cried a lifetime of tears in those few hours that morning. You were laying there looking so peaceful, so warm, so alive. I was at a dead end and unable to think, I needed strength, I needed to pray. I needed to turn you over to the higher physician and let Him take control.
My only problem was I was so emotional that I didn't even know how to pray. I've prayed my whole life and here I am, my son's life is on the line and I'm numb, I don't even know what to pray for.
I prayed for God to send us prayer warriors that knew what to pray for.
In Memory Of David Sims (Part 3)
September 19, 2010
It's after midnight into the second day. Rick and I race home to collect some cloths to take to the hospital in Springfield just in case we are there overnight. Rick grabbed you a pair of flannel pj pants you like to lay around watching football games in and a tee-shirt. I grabbed the lap top just in case you wake up and feel like getting on your facebook. Aaron is laying down in our bed with Ariel so she doesn't wake up missing us in the night. Since it was now Sunday we didn't have to worry about Aaron going to school. Rick figured we would probably be bringing you home sometime late Sunday or Monday morning. We just needed you to wake up.
Rick and I are flying down Highway 13 watching the sky for a helicopter to go over. We always see them fly over the house so we knew the route it would take paralleled with Highway 13. The cell phone rang and it was your cousin Sarah. She called to let us know that mom had just stopped by her house to tell her that your helicopter had just taken off. I didn't even know mom had been at the hospital, my brain is so close to frying. Rick said it would only take it about 10 minutes to travel the 30 miles to the hospital. I mention that you would want to be awake for that ride. You finally got to ride in a fast helicopter and your sleeping.
Sarah started talking real fast and and really loud, she mentioned that you had stopped by her house earlier that night and that you said you had taken some valiums that Matt gave you and had been drinking pretty heavy and was really drunk. She said you were acting tired while you were at her house and was trying to pass out on her couch but that she kept waking you up asking you what you were doing, saying you can't sleep there, telling you her kids are there sleeping and that she doesn't allow that stuff around her kids. She said you mentioned you had a date later and that you had to meet up with some guy. She told you that you couldn't stay there and needed to leave. She said Jaylynn and Jordan were in bed but in the next breath she says she's so mad at you because you were watching her kids for her. She said her and her 9 yr old son left her house to go across the street to Kathy's to get her nose re-pierced. She said time went by and it had been 45 minutes before she got back home. She said that you were gone and she realized her kids were home alone and expressed how angry she was at you for leaving her children home alone like that. She said that when you left her house that Ben saw you lite a cigarette and say "bye buddy" to him then walked down the street. Im confused by her rambling but I don't have time for this now. I guess I should have paid better attention and ask her more questions because this story will change in a mater of hours over and over like it's being rewritten each day to go along with your progress but you are all I can focus on.
Your helicopter flew over.
We arrived at St Johns emergency room. It's a weekend and the ER is packed. I'm not sure what time it is but I'm guessing around 1:00 a.m. There is someone checking people in so I tell them my son was just airlifted to their hospital, I gave them your name and within seconds they were taking us past the whole waiting area to another waiting room. A Chaplin met us in the room just like they did back in July when your little brother was in there from his wreck. He tells us that you are getting another CAT scan and once they were finished he would take us to you. I don't recall having a conversation with him but if I was going to describe him it would be very tall and nervous. I do recall him walking past our room several times and popping in to ask if we heard anything yet. Finally a nurse came and got us. She told us that we were waiting for a room in ICU and would be going to the 4th floor very soon. She led us back to the room they were holding you in until the move.
I really expected to see you waking up by now, or at least moving. You looked like you were cleaned up, the tape that was holding your respirator was new and not so tight, you now had a tube going up your nose. The nurse explained that it was to keep you from throwing up into your lungs. I asked her if you had woke up at all and she said not yet, that you were still the same. I remembered when your brother Aaron was in ICU with a brain contusion from his wreck back in July that the doctors told us when there is any kind of injury to the brain that the best medicine for healing is sleeping. I kept telling myself that you were healing and would be waking up very soon.
I noticed the right side of your head near your temple was bruising and there was a scrap. Your right cheek looked a little swolen too, these weren't there when you left the house that night. The doctor had just come in when I made this observation and he asked us what happened to you. Rick started telling him everything we knew, which wasn't very much... We were told you had taken valium, was pretty drunk, had been at your cousins house trying to pass out on her couch, you had mentioned you had a date later, Ben had watched you leave around 9:00 pm and then around 10:00 pm a woman found you unresponsive in a parking lot off the square in Bolivar, loaded you up and drove you to the hospital where they said you were dead, they revived you, took a CAT scan, said there was no brain damage but needed to air lift you to St Johns where we were right that moment.
The doctor told us to get on the phone to the Bolivar police and tell them they needed to get on this quickly because there wasn't enough drugs or alcohol in your system to do anything to you, especially to stop your heart or your breathing. He said he didn't know what happened to you but at that moment he said it wasn't looking good and he needed answers. He heard me mention about the bump on your head so he ordered another CAT scan to determine if the bump was something more serious. I noticed that your temple was twitching slightly but everyone said that was probably just a muscle spasm. I now believe that was your first seizure.
The results of the third CAT scan didn't give us any answers. You were not damaged, you were not waking up and there wasn't anything in your system to cause this type of reaction yet you were in a coma.
We finally got your room on the 4th floor in ICU. A place that was getting ready to play a major role in our life for the next 10 days. We got to travel up the elevator with you then were ushered right out so they could do their evaluation of you, order more blood work and hook a million other machines to you that I would become an expert on before this was all over. There were people all over the waiting room sleeping when we got in there. I saw people with sleeping bags & pillows laying on the floor, an elderly gentleman was sleeping on a love seat chair that was so uncomfortable. I could tell his son was the man sitting next to him because he would make sure the elderly man was covered up and tried to keep him as comfortable as possible.
Rick and I found a couple of seats over in a corner away from everyone which was fine for me. I don't think I could talk at that moment. I had been fighting a fear that was attempting to consume but I knew I couldn't break, you needed me to be strong but between you and me I was so scared out of my mind. I was mentally exhausted. I laid across two chairs to try and get my body to relax. I passed out until your name was called. I woke up from my nap to realty. It was finally time we could go back to your room and I nearly ran in anticipation of seeing you awake. It was long enough, hours had gone bysince 11 pm when the 15 yr old looking policeman knocked on my door, it was time for you to wake up.
You looked good, like you were just taking a little nap. I grabbed your hand and squeezed it and said "David, I'm here, wake up baby". Your warm and have a healthy glow. I just expect people in comas to look sick. Your nurse introduced herself and said your neurologist would make her rounds first thing in the morning and would be able to give us better answers once she has all your tests back. I'm hopeful that we are going to get a good report on you. You are David Sims, you are indestructible, you wreck cars and walk away, you crash your dirt bike into unmovable objects and laugh at some goober mistake you made that got you there, you don't die, you live to tell the most amazing stories that keeps everyone that knows you laughing so hard, you've been to the edge and back so many times that the edge is on a different continent than you. You also have a praying mama that knows you have a warrior angel watching out for you.
So now we wait and you sleep and the world plots.
It's after midnight into the second day. Rick and I race home to collect some cloths to take to the hospital in Springfield just in case we are there overnight. Rick grabbed you a pair of flannel pj pants you like to lay around watching football games in and a tee-shirt. I grabbed the lap top just in case you wake up and feel like getting on your facebook. Aaron is laying down in our bed with Ariel so she doesn't wake up missing us in the night. Since it was now Sunday we didn't have to worry about Aaron going to school. Rick figured we would probably be bringing you home sometime late Sunday or Monday morning. We just needed you to wake up.
Rick and I are flying down Highway 13 watching the sky for a helicopter to go over. We always see them fly over the house so we knew the route it would take paralleled with Highway 13. The cell phone rang and it was your cousin Sarah. She called to let us know that mom had just stopped by her house to tell her that your helicopter had just taken off. I didn't even know mom had been at the hospital, my brain is so close to frying. Rick said it would only take it about 10 minutes to travel the 30 miles to the hospital. I mention that you would want to be awake for that ride. You finally got to ride in a fast helicopter and your sleeping.
Sarah started talking real fast and and really loud, she mentioned that you had stopped by her house earlier that night and that you said you had taken some valiums that Matt gave you and had been drinking pretty heavy and was really drunk. She said you were acting tired while you were at her house and was trying to pass out on her couch but that she kept waking you up asking you what you were doing, saying you can't sleep there, telling you her kids are there sleeping and that she doesn't allow that stuff around her kids. She said you mentioned you had a date later and that you had to meet up with some guy. She told you that you couldn't stay there and needed to leave. She said Jaylynn and Jordan were in bed but in the next breath she says she's so mad at you because you were watching her kids for her. She said her and her 9 yr old son left her house to go across the street to Kathy's to get her nose re-pierced. She said time went by and it had been 45 minutes before she got back home. She said that you were gone and she realized her kids were home alone and expressed how angry she was at you for leaving her children home alone like that. She said that when you left her house that Ben saw you lite a cigarette and say "bye buddy" to him then walked down the street. Im confused by her rambling but I don't have time for this now. I guess I should have paid better attention and ask her more questions because this story will change in a mater of hours over and over like it's being rewritten each day to go along with your progress but you are all I can focus on.
Your helicopter flew over.
We arrived at St Johns emergency room. It's a weekend and the ER is packed. I'm not sure what time it is but I'm guessing around 1:00 a.m. There is someone checking people in so I tell them my son was just airlifted to their hospital, I gave them your name and within seconds they were taking us past the whole waiting area to another waiting room. A Chaplin met us in the room just like they did back in July when your little brother was in there from his wreck. He tells us that you are getting another CAT scan and once they were finished he would take us to you. I don't recall having a conversation with him but if I was going to describe him it would be very tall and nervous. I do recall him walking past our room several times and popping in to ask if we heard anything yet. Finally a nurse came and got us. She told us that we were waiting for a room in ICU and would be going to the 4th floor very soon. She led us back to the room they were holding you in until the move.
I really expected to see you waking up by now, or at least moving. You looked like you were cleaned up, the tape that was holding your respirator was new and not so tight, you now had a tube going up your nose. The nurse explained that it was to keep you from throwing up into your lungs. I asked her if you had woke up at all and she said not yet, that you were still the same. I remembered when your brother Aaron was in ICU with a brain contusion from his wreck back in July that the doctors told us when there is any kind of injury to the brain that the best medicine for healing is sleeping. I kept telling myself that you were healing and would be waking up very soon.
I noticed the right side of your head near your temple was bruising and there was a scrap. Your right cheek looked a little swolen too, these weren't there when you left the house that night. The doctor had just come in when I made this observation and he asked us what happened to you. Rick started telling him everything we knew, which wasn't very much... We were told you had taken valium, was pretty drunk, had been at your cousins house trying to pass out on her couch, you had mentioned you had a date later, Ben had watched you leave around 9:00 pm and then around 10:00 pm a woman found you unresponsive in a parking lot off the square in Bolivar, loaded you up and drove you to the hospital where they said you were dead, they revived you, took a CAT scan, said there was no brain damage but needed to air lift you to St Johns where we were right that moment.
The doctor told us to get on the phone to the Bolivar police and tell them they needed to get on this quickly because there wasn't enough drugs or alcohol in your system to do anything to you, especially to stop your heart or your breathing. He said he didn't know what happened to you but at that moment he said it wasn't looking good and he needed answers. He heard me mention about the bump on your head so he ordered another CAT scan to determine if the bump was something more serious. I noticed that your temple was twitching slightly but everyone said that was probably just a muscle spasm. I now believe that was your first seizure.
The results of the third CAT scan didn't give us any answers. You were not damaged, you were not waking up and there wasn't anything in your system to cause this type of reaction yet you were in a coma.
We finally got your room on the 4th floor in ICU. A place that was getting ready to play a major role in our life for the next 10 days. We got to travel up the elevator with you then were ushered right out so they could do their evaluation of you, order more blood work and hook a million other machines to you that I would become an expert on before this was all over. There were people all over the waiting room sleeping when we got in there. I saw people with sleeping bags & pillows laying on the floor, an elderly gentleman was sleeping on a love seat chair that was so uncomfortable. I could tell his son was the man sitting next to him because he would make sure the elderly man was covered up and tried to keep him as comfortable as possible.
Rick and I found a couple of seats over in a corner away from everyone which was fine for me. I don't think I could talk at that moment. I had been fighting a fear that was attempting to consume but I knew I couldn't break, you needed me to be strong but between you and me I was so scared out of my mind. I was mentally exhausted. I laid across two chairs to try and get my body to relax. I passed out until your name was called. I woke up from my nap to realty. It was finally time we could go back to your room and I nearly ran in anticipation of seeing you awake. It was long enough, hours had gone bysince 11 pm when the 15 yr old looking policeman knocked on my door, it was time for you to wake up.
You looked good, like you were just taking a little nap. I grabbed your hand and squeezed it and said "David, I'm here, wake up baby". Your warm and have a healthy glow. I just expect people in comas to look sick. Your nurse introduced herself and said your neurologist would make her rounds first thing in the morning and would be able to give us better answers once she has all your tests back. I'm hopeful that we are going to get a good report on you. You are David Sims, you are indestructible, you wreck cars and walk away, you crash your dirt bike into unmovable objects and laugh at some goober mistake you made that got you there, you don't die, you live to tell the most amazing stories that keeps everyone that knows you laughing so hard, you've been to the edge and back so many times that the edge is on a different continent than you. You also have a praying mama that knows you have a warrior angel watching out for you.
So now we wait and you sleep and the world plots.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
In Memory Of David Sims (Part 2)
September 18, 2010
At 7:32 pm you posted on your myspace page from home these words SOME PEOPLE WERE BORN TO MAKE OTHERS FALL
At 7:58 pm you posted on your facebook wall these words OH HOLY HELL ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS YA GOTTA GO RAISE SOME HELL
Some time after 8:00 p.m you left the house.
At 9:49 pm I was joking with a friend about how naive I am because I thought one of the past big brother contestants had been on a dating show like The Bachelor and he was pointing out to me that it was a playboy channel hook up show for sex. I was drilling him how he knew so much about these things since he claims to be the innocent one of the group. The movie Aaron was watching had my attention so I decided to tell my friends goodnight and finish watching the movie with him.
It's now around 10:30 pm.
Aaron decided to go attack my birthday cake which sounded pretty good since I didn't eat any of it earlier. He came back downstairs and we began watching the movie again. I decided I wanted ice cream too but told him to not pause the movie since it was getting late. I was loading the blender with ice cream and decided to add a piece of the boston cream pie birthday cake to it like someone with the munchies. If I had added a little Worcestershire sauce and a little ketchup it would have been called a David creation after a night out. I had just opened the fridge to get out the milk to add to the concoction I was creating when there was a very forceful knock on the front door.
The rapid fire of knocks made me think it was one of Aaron's high school friends. It was nothing for them to stop by late at night on weekends to watch movies. I figured Aaron would beat me to the door so I stay in the kitchen to finish up the milk shake. The knocks changed to the door bell ringing several times. I stopped what I was doing & walked to the door. I could see the police officer standing on the other side of the smoked glass door and felt that sense of dread began to build up inside me.
It's 11:00 pm
I opened the door to a very young, extremely tall Bolivar police officer who looked no more than 15 years old asking me if this was the home of David Sims. As I was answering yes I was wondering with dread what you had done, did you get stopped, get in a fight, get caught smoking pot, were you in jail,,,, but my thoughts never even conceived that you were hurt. You were larger than life, you were indestructible, you were David Sims.
The officer ask if I was your mother. "Yes".
"Mrs Allen your son was found in a parking lot unresponsive and was taken to CMH".
I thought unresponsive meant passed out, as in drinking alcohol. I would later learn it meant you had no vital signs. At that moment I'm thinking he meant you were passed out, so I'm sure the officer was wondering why I was taking all this so calmly. I ask him what parking lot and what were you doing there. He went on to ask me who you might have been with that night & why you might have been in the parking lot of the Esquire.
The Esquire? That's the old movie theater off the square, it's now used as a church. There was no reason for you to be in that neighborhood. You wouldn't have been walking, you supposedly had a double date that night with a new girl you had just met named Mandi, you met her father, why are you in this parking lot?
He repeated the questions as I tried to process why he was asking me these questions but not really saying anything, especially not telling me how you were. He told me that you were found alone. I said that's not right, where was your date? Suddenly it hit me by the weird questioning something was wrong and I heard the words come out of my mouth as if I was standing across the room.
"Is my son alive"?
It had been just 65 days prior to this night that I had ask this very same question to Boo on the phone when he called franticly to beg us to hurry and get to them because they had just been in a wreck and it's bad. At that time I also had to ask him if Aaron was alive. Boo didn't know, he said there was blood everywhere, he said he was covered in blood but he wasn't hurt, at least he didn't think he was hurt. I asked him where Aaron was, Boo couldn't find him. I thought Aaron had been ejected from his truck. Boo said he was trying to find help and couldn't find his way back to the truck. I knew he was in shock and I tried so desperately to stay calm for Boo's sake while my body, mind, heart and soul were screaming in such raw pain and suddenly he exclaimed he found the truck. I ask him was Aaron breathing. He couldn't tell, I ask him to check Aaron's pulse. I'm still amazed to this day that I asked those questions so calmly when all I could hear was that loud high pitch ringing noise in my ear. Rick made it to the wreck before any rescue wirker. I don't even want to know how fast he drove while I stayed on the home phone with Boo. Rick started checking Aaron over relaying everything to me on the phone. He kept saying "Aaron wakeup, it's time to wakeup". I was holding my breath but screaming in my mind please God, please God, please God. Aaron moaned. I never was so relieved to hear a sound like that in my life, he was alive.
At the moment I ask the officer if you were alive. He amazed me when he had this look on his face of total surprise and announced he had no idea but he'd check. Please God, please God, please God. I wonder now if that surprise look was him realizing I had no idea what unresponsive met. Time stood still, my breathing was so shallow as I stood there not moving, all I could hear was this loud high pitch ringing in my ear that I now know is the sound of extreme fear. He grabbed the mic that was attached to his shoulder and called someone and ask if you were still alive.
"Yes"
I exhaled and told the officer I need to wake up Rick. You were in the hospital and we needed to get there.
I thought unresponsive meant passed out, as in drinking alcohol. I would later learn it meant you had no vital signs. At that moment I'm thinking he meant you were passed out, so I'm sure the officer was wondering why I was taking all this so calmly. I ask him what parking lot and what were you doing there. He went on to ask me who you might have been with that night & why you might have been in the parking lot of the Esquire.
The Esquire? That's the old movie theater off the square, it's now used as a church. There was no reason for you to be in that neighborhood. You wouldn't have been walking, you supposedly had a double date that night with a new girl you had just met named Mandi, you met her father, why are you in this parking lot?
He repeated the questions as I tried to process why he was asking me these questions but not really saying anything, especially not telling me how you were. He told me that you were found alone. I said that's not right, where was your date? Suddenly it hit me by the weird questioning something was wrong and I heard the words come out of my mouth as if I was standing across the room.
"Is my son alive"?
It had been just 65 days prior to this night that I had ask this very same question to Boo on the phone when he called franticly to beg us to hurry and get to them because they had just been in a wreck and it's bad. At that time I also had to ask him if Aaron was alive. Boo didn't know, he said there was blood everywhere, he said he was covered in blood but he wasn't hurt, at least he didn't think he was hurt. I asked him where Aaron was, Boo couldn't find him. I thought Aaron had been ejected from his truck. Boo said he was trying to find help and couldn't find his way back to the truck. I knew he was in shock and I tried so desperately to stay calm for Boo's sake while my body, mind, heart and soul were screaming in such raw pain and suddenly he exclaimed he found the truck. I ask him was Aaron breathing. He couldn't tell, I ask him to check Aaron's pulse. I'm still amazed to this day that I asked those questions so calmly when all I could hear was that loud high pitch ringing noise in my ear. Rick made it to the wreck before any rescue wirker. I don't even want to know how fast he drove while I stayed on the home phone with Boo. Rick started checking Aaron over relaying everything to me on the phone. He kept saying "Aaron wakeup, it's time to wakeup". I was holding my breath but screaming in my mind please God, please God, please God. Aaron moaned. I never was so relieved to hear a sound like that in my life, he was alive.
At the moment I ask the officer if you were alive. He amazed me when he had this look on his face of total surprise and announced he had no idea but he'd check. Please God, please God, please God. I wonder now if that surprise look was him realizing I had no idea what unresponsive met. Time stood still, my breathing was so shallow as I stood there not moving, all I could hear was this loud high pitch ringing in my ear that I now know is the sound of extreme fear. He grabbed the mic that was attached to his shoulder and called someone and ask if you were still alive.
"Yes"
I exhaled and told the officer I need to wake up Rick. You were in the hospital and we needed to get there.
I rushed into the bedroom, woke Rick up and told him that the police were here telling me you had been found in a parking lot unresponsive and you're now in the emergency room at CMH, I needed him to get up now.
Rick was as confused as I was talking to the officer. He also thought maybe you were found passed out from drinking and wondering why you would have been dumped off near the square. The police were more concerned with who you were with that night. Rick told him who the girl was and that she was related to Nathan who you were also suppose to be with this night. Rick even went on to tell him that you said she was really sweet and you really liked her. We were wondering if there was foul play and apparently the police were wondering that too. My mind is racing with a million questions, did you go out with this girl, get messed up and she just dumped you out of the car? I was flying out the door telling Aaron to go lay down with Ariel so she doesn't wake up and we'd call in a little while.
We arrive to the ER and raced in just to be told to take and seat and someone would be out to talk to us soon. It felt like we waited for an eternity. Finally a police officer came out and asked us who you were with that night. I was so anxious to to get to you and needed to know you were ok but all the officer did was ask the same questions we had already been asked.
Do you know who your son was with tonight, had he ever used drugs, if so what was his drug of choice? I told the officer that you had been clean for a while and was doing really good but your drug of choice would be smoking pot because you were ADHD and pot slowed your rapid fire thought process down enough to allow you to multitask and because of that medical marijuana needed to be legalized. I didn't want him to see you as some pothead, you were an intelligent man with an IQ of 147 who also suffered from ADHD and social anxiety. Pot just happened to be the thing you discovered that "fixed" you.
I was ready to scream for them to let me back to you but was trying so hard to be calm. Finally a nurse stepped out and said that you were getting a CAT scan and as soon as you were taken back to your room they would come get us. That meant you were alive. I tried to remember what a CAT scan was. I thought maybe you broke something. More questions to ask you when I get to your room.
Rick finally was fed up and ask the officer what was going on. He told us they didn't know every much, that apparently some women were driving by the Esquire and spotted you laying in the parking lot, it was dark and you were unresponsive. They stopped and loaded you up in their truck and brought you to the hospital. Other than that they didn't know anything and neither did we. That little voice in my head whispered "why would women stop in a dark parking lot and pick up a dead body?" I pushed this aside for now, I just needed to get back to you, I needed to see you with my eyes and touch you with my hands.
Your cousins Zach and Boo arrive at the hospital and waited with us to go back to see you. The nurse finally comes out and warns us that you are on a respirator. She explained that when you were brought in you had no heartbeat and were not breathing, you were a code blue. The ringing is building back up in my ears but now I'm feeling this pain shoot through me as if a rod pierced my whole body as lightning struck. My God, you died. Unresponsive meant dead. Don't faint don't faint don't faint
They were able to revive you with an electric shock to your heart but a machine was breathing for you. The biggest problem was they didn't know how long you had been unresponsive or what caused it so they were fighting against time. A brain cannot function without oxygen for very long before damage occurs and we needed to know how long you went without breathing.
The door to the ER is held open for me and I'm running to your room before they can even tell me which room. It's like my body knew on instinct to find you. I get there and find you hooked up to all kinds of machines. The respirator is down your throat and you are gagging trying to cough it up, your chest is seizing and rising off the table. You gag several times then it stops and you relax. I grab your hand and push your hair back from your forehead and tell you I'm here, don't worry, it will be ok. You gag again, I quickly turned to the nurse and she explains that your body was fighting against the respirator and that you would calm down pretty soon. I thought you were having a seizure so it was a relief that it was a normal reaction. I imaged it didn't feel good having that down your throat. I relax a little bit more but I needed you to wake up, to respond to me.
They were able to revive you with an electric shock to your heart but a machine was breathing for you. The biggest problem was they didn't know how long you had been unresponsive or what caused it so they were fighting against time. A brain cannot function without oxygen for very long before damage occurs and we needed to know how long you went without breathing.
The door to the ER is held open for me and I'm running to your room before they can even tell me which room. It's like my body knew on instinct to find you. I get there and find you hooked up to all kinds of machines. The respirator is down your throat and you are gagging trying to cough it up, your chest is seizing and rising off the table. You gag several times then it stops and you relax. I grab your hand and push your hair back from your forehead and tell you I'm here, don't worry, it will be ok. You gag again, I quickly turned to the nurse and she explains that your body was fighting against the respirator and that you would calm down pretty soon. I thought you were having a seizure so it was a relief that it was a normal reaction. I imaged it didn't feel good having that down your throat. I relax a little bit more but I needed you to wake up, to respond to me.
The ER doctor came in and told us that the CAT scan showed no brain injury which was an amazing relief. Now we need to look at the heart or lungs for what happened to shut you down. We were also told that you had a small amount of alcohol and Valium in your system but it was such a small trace that it wasn't possible for it to stop your breathing or stop your heart so it was looking like maybe you had a heart defect or something happened to your lungs.
I ask the nurse what time you were brought in and who they were. She said it was 10:00 p.m and that she didn't know who they were but a woman ran into the ER and said she needed help getting you inside. The nurse said she went outside and took one look at you and focused everything on you because you were blue, not breathing and there was no heartbeat. You were dead. The woman proceeded to tell her as she got your lifeless body out of the truck that she was driving by the Esquire and saw you laying there unresponsive so she loaded you up and brought you here. Your nurse didn't slow down to ask her any more questions because at this point saving your life was her top priority but she did hear a younger woman call the older woman mom. She said the women didn't wait around for anyone to get any more information. She turned around and they were gone.
I ask the nurse if you had your cell phone on you because you never went anywhere without it and that you texted instead of talking to people so maybe it held a clue. She got your bag of cloths and no cell phone was in it. Rick decided that maybe when you were picked up that your phone fell out of your pocket. It's 11:20 p.m and I'm calling your phone to see if maybe the woman that dropped you off has your phone, maybe it fell out in her truck. No one answers. Rick takes Zach and they go to the Esquire to search the parking lot for your phone but find nothing.
I ask the nurse if you had your cell phone on you because you never went anywhere without it and that you texted instead of talking to people so maybe it held a clue. She got your bag of cloths and no cell phone was in it. Rick decided that maybe when you were picked up that your phone fell out of your pocket. It's 11:20 p.m and I'm calling your phone to see if maybe the woman that dropped you off has your phone, maybe it fell out in her truck. No one answers. Rick takes Zach and they go to the Esquire to search the parking lot for your phone but find nothing.
The ER doctor came in and told us that they needed to send you to St John's hospital in Springfield because they were better equipped to handle pulmonary. I wasn't sure what that meant but I figured it had to do with your heart. I thought maybe you had a heart defect or something similar to cause this to happen but in the back of my mind a billion questions raced, why were you in that parking lot, where was your date, where was Nathan, who was the woman that brought you here, where is your phone that is only out of your hand to shower, why won't you wake up.
I asked if they were going to transport you by ambulance because I wanted to let them know that I would ride with you and fear set in when they said no they were airlifting you. Any time someone is airlifted it is a life or death situation. This felt so serious but no one is saying the words. No one is saying you might die or that you are in critical condition. It's all the unspoken words that were like burning needles being pushed deep into my body one at a time but I had no time to think about it because the helicopter was in the air to come get you and it would only take 8 minutes to fly the 25 miles to St Johns while we were stuck driving the car. I kissed you and told you I was running home to grab some things and I would be there when you got to the other hospital.
Time was moving fast. I was in a race with a helicopter.
I asked if they were going to transport you by ambulance because I wanted to let them know that I would ride with you and fear set in when they said no they were airlifting you. Any time someone is airlifted it is a life or death situation. This felt so serious but no one is saying the words. No one is saying you might die or that you are in critical condition. It's all the unspoken words that were like burning needles being pushed deep into my body one at a time but I had no time to think about it because the helicopter was in the air to come get you and it would only take 8 minutes to fly the 25 miles to St Johns while we were stuck driving the car. I kissed you and told you I was running home to grab some things and I would be there when you got to the other hospital.
Time was moving fast. I was in a race with a helicopter.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
In Memory Of David Sims (part 1)
David Scott Sims
03/19/1983-09/27/2010
My heart aches today. It's been 9 days since you left this world but my heart aches like it's been minutes. I don't know how I'm suppose to do this. There was nothing in my life skills that could have ever prepared me for this day. I still don't know how I am going to go through the rest of my life without you here. I love you so much. Your death has left an empty void in my heart. You are my son, you complete me and now my heart is shattered into so many pieces nothing can ever fix it, I'm not even sure I want it fixed because that would mean a world going on without you. I can't breathe. I need to tell your story, I need the world to know what happened, I need answers that no one will give me. I see this picture of events that lead me to this place, I see people who know what happened to you and why but it's as if a fog has rolled in and everything is in slow motion, no one talks as if the truth will shatter their reality and expose their own demons so it's better to just leave me shattered and move on. I need to breathe.
September 17: Friday is finally here. We have talked about this day with excitement just like we do every week before Friday arrives. It's football day. We have been planing this day to go to Hollister to watch your little brother who is not so little play high school football against a small school called Hollister. It's suppose to be a total annihilation and we figure that Aaron won't get to play past the first quarter since starters only stay in until the score is at least 20 points ahead. You were on facebook most of the day talking about how kick ass awesome your little brother is at football and how you couldn't wait to go to the game. A friend of yours was messaging you telling you that living a clean life was boring and hard. You were telling him there's so much more to life than drugs. You said that there was your kids and there was football. Your friend Nathan said he missed watching football, you told him he just had to come watch your lil bro play because he was amazing and that some day he will be pro. Nathan said he'd like that so the plan was for you both to go to the game.
It's about an hour before it's time to leave for the game & I mention to you to go jump in the shower. You have that look on your face that I've seen a few times in your life. You know the one that says I'm about to break your heart. You tell me you are thinking of not going to the game tonight because it is going to be boring if Aaron doesn't get to play very much. I see the look in your eyes that tells me you have been talking to the wrong people and are possibly thinking of making a wrong turn. My heart sinks. I tell you to stop being so silly, go take your shower and go to your brothers game. I'm praying that this is just a passing moment with you and that you go start getting ready.
It's time to go to the game and you are adamant you're staying home. I'm mad because I think you have other plans that will get you in trouble. You promise me that you are just going to chill at home, listen to the game on the radio and veg out.
Aaron only played the first half of the game. It was 70-0 before halftime. All the varsity players were sitting on the bench watching guys that don't usually even see the field on Friday night. Im pretty sure even the waterboy scored a touchdown. You were texting Rick to find out if Aaron scored any touchdowns. You said you were listening to the game on the radio and didn't hear Aaron's name any more. Yes it was boring, yes Aaron scored a couple touchdowns early then didn't play any more but I wanted you there as a family to support each other. I loved having my children with me everywhere I went. It was my purpose in life to be a mom even if I was voted in high school least likely to ever settle down. Four children later I think it's obvious where my heart lies.
We head home and Sarah tells me that you just left to go out with some girl. I text you one word, "liar". So much for staying home and vegging. I'm just praying that you stay on the course you have been on for the past year. Following through with your divorce, getting custody of your sons & staying clean and sober. You have been doing so good that I'm almost afraid to tell you how proud I am of you in fear I will jinx it.
Saturday morning, September 18 (my birthday) you call bright and early asking to talk to Aaron. You laughed nervously and said you had stayed the night at some girls house and was wanting Aaron to come pick you up. It's way out in the country and you aren't sure where but it's in the direction of Smith's Restaurant so Aaron heads out hoping you figure out which way he is to turn by the time he gets to Smith's. You and him are texting and calling each other with him calling me on the side totally lost on a dirt road. Aaron's worried he's not going to find you or find his way out of what he called deliverance country.
It's a curse I've passed down to all my children to be extremely directionally challenged. If our brain tells us we have to turn left here, you can bet the farm it's really a right turn.
He finally finds you and is heading home. I breath a sigh of relief because my sons are together, safe. It had only been 65 days since Aaron & Boo were in that bad wreck and your little brother almost died. After watching what he went through and the memory loss he suffered along with all the what if's that kept constantly playing in my brain I was trying so hard not to be an over protecting mother but I couldn't help it, that's just who I am. It's not that I want to control my children's life, I just need them to be safe, to be near. Almost losing Aaron puts me on high alert and fills me with a need to keep my children very close to me until I can breathe again.
It's a curse I've passed down to all my children to be extremely directionally challenged. If our brain tells us we have to turn left here, you can bet the farm it's really a right turn.
He finally finds you and is heading home. I breath a sigh of relief because my sons are together, safe. It had only been 65 days since Aaron & Boo were in that bad wreck and your little brother almost died. After watching what he went through and the memory loss he suffered along with all the what if's that kept constantly playing in my brain I was trying so hard not to be an over protecting mother but I couldn't help it, that's just who I am. It's not that I want to control my children's life, I just need them to be safe, to be near. Almost losing Aaron puts me on high alert and fills me with a need to keep my children very close to me until I can breathe again.
When you're home you like to get real comfy. On go the below the knee cut off pj pants, big baggy t-shirt, hair pulled back, contacts out and glasses on. When you are dressed like that I know all is right in the world because you aren't going out but are planning on watching music videos on your lap top and burn some cd's. You had been talking to Jessica on the phone trying to tell your side of the story of what happened last night. I could hear you laughing so hard. I love your laugh. It's the laugh that is so contagious it's impossible to stay mad at you when you cut loose. You came downstairs and sat in the recliner next to me and start asking about the ball game. I told you that you were right, the game sucked, Aaron scored a couple touchdowns and then sat with the rest of the varsity players on the bench joking around. You smiled so mischievously and ask me if I wanted to hear about your night.
I sat there listening in disbelief, trying not to laugh but giving you that "bad David" mother look, your giggling so much trying to tell this story that I ended up laughing with you because no one on the planet is immune to that giggle. Apparently you went out with a girl for the first time and ended up staying the night with her. The next morning her father shows up unannounced, walks into the room and said, "Excuse me, are you having sex with my daughter?" That's about the time you called your little brother to the rescue. I can image the story you told him when he picked you up and I'm sure it's not the same version you are telling me at this moment. I'm laughing just thinking about how embarrassing that would be.
You told Rick you had a date tonight and ask him to draw you out $20.00 from our account so you can get some cigarettes and an energy drink. Rick ask you if that was going to be enough on your date and you said it was going to be you, the girl who's father wasn't too happy with you, Nathan & his wife Jessie and that you all were just going to hangout at Nathan's. You said you really liked this girl and even showed Rick a picture of her from your phone. You called this a chill date.
,
Rick grilled hamburgers for dinner while everyone ate and settled into their normal routine. You were telling me that you had tried to call Deagan and Izik again but Lexi still wouldn't answer the phone. I asked if you were OK, you said you couldn't wait for the 31st to get here when your divorce was going to be final and you had full custody of your son's, then you and Rick would be making that trip to Kansas to pick them up legally. I knew you weren't ready for the divorce, Lexi was the love of your life but her sneaking out of the state with your son's changed you and made you see that they needed to come first in your life. You said you knew Lexi would come back to you if you asked but right now wasn't the time, you werent ready to forgive and you needed to make sure no one ever tried to take your son's from you again. THEN you would start repairing your relationship with Lexi. How did you become a man overnight? I just seem to be in constant battle mode and you're just chill.
You went upstairs and were playing on your laptop, you messaged friends on your myspace, posted on your facebook and texted like it was your job to every friend you knew. I could hear your stereo playing and listened at the bottom of the stairs for a brief moment. The CD was Creed, the song was With Arms Wide Open. I knew you were missing your boys.
You were a man of few words, you could tell the most hilarious stories but you were very private with your inner thoughts. It's something both my son's are gifted or cursed with. You keep your personal cards so close to your chest and don't allow anyone in. When either of you do decide to open up to me and share your pain, joy, expectations, fears it's like a gift I've been given that I cherish. But for you music was your voice. I knew what you were thinking, feeling, battling by the music you listened to. I've spent so many hours of my life with you sitting near me telling me I had to listen to this song, not the music but the lyrics, you needed me to "feel" the lyrics like you felt it, like it was speaking to your soul so I listened with my eyes closed while you watched my face closely and I felt you through those songs because the lyrics became your words telling me what was going on inside your heart. Creed was the band you listened to when you missed Deagan and Izik. I knew you were in a sad place.
Around 7:30 p.m, mom calls me to the kitchen. You all are sitting around a funny little store bought boston cream cake singing happy birthday to me. I blow out the candles and open the card. While the cake is being cut I'm standing by the fridge when you walk over to me and say "Happy Birthday mom, maybe you shouldn't have any more birthdays because you're getting too old". I remember looking at you like I was going to rip you apart and laughing at the same time. I called you a little shit. You laughed and put your arms around me in a big bear hug and said, "Ya know I love ya".
I sat there listening in disbelief, trying not to laugh but giving you that "bad David" mother look, your giggling so much trying to tell this story that I ended up laughing with you because no one on the planet is immune to that giggle. Apparently you went out with a girl for the first time and ended up staying the night with her. The next morning her father shows up unannounced, walks into the room and said, "Excuse me, are you having sex with my daughter?" That's about the time you called your little brother to the rescue. I can image the story you told him when he picked you up and I'm sure it's not the same version you are telling me at this moment. I'm laughing just thinking about how embarrassing that would be.
You told Rick you had a date tonight and ask him to draw you out $20.00 from our account so you can get some cigarettes and an energy drink. Rick ask you if that was going to be enough on your date and you said it was going to be you, the girl who's father wasn't too happy with you, Nathan & his wife Jessie and that you all were just going to hangout at Nathan's. You said you really liked this girl and even showed Rick a picture of her from your phone. You called this a chill date.
,
Rick grilled hamburgers for dinner while everyone ate and settled into their normal routine. You were telling me that you had tried to call Deagan and Izik again but Lexi still wouldn't answer the phone. I asked if you were OK, you said you couldn't wait for the 31st to get here when your divorce was going to be final and you had full custody of your son's, then you and Rick would be making that trip to Kansas to pick them up legally. I knew you weren't ready for the divorce, Lexi was the love of your life but her sneaking out of the state with your son's changed you and made you see that they needed to come first in your life. You said you knew Lexi would come back to you if you asked but right now wasn't the time, you werent ready to forgive and you needed to make sure no one ever tried to take your son's from you again. THEN you would start repairing your relationship with Lexi. How did you become a man overnight? I just seem to be in constant battle mode and you're just chill.
You went upstairs and were playing on your laptop, you messaged friends on your myspace, posted on your facebook and texted like it was your job to every friend you knew. I could hear your stereo playing and listened at the bottom of the stairs for a brief moment. The CD was Creed, the song was With Arms Wide Open. I knew you were missing your boys.
You were a man of few words, you could tell the most hilarious stories but you were very private with your inner thoughts. It's something both my son's are gifted or cursed with. You keep your personal cards so close to your chest and don't allow anyone in. When either of you do decide to open up to me and share your pain, joy, expectations, fears it's like a gift I've been given that I cherish. But for you music was your voice. I knew what you were thinking, feeling, battling by the music you listened to. I've spent so many hours of my life with you sitting near me telling me I had to listen to this song, not the music but the lyrics, you needed me to "feel" the lyrics like you felt it, like it was speaking to your soul so I listened with my eyes closed while you watched my face closely and I felt you through those songs because the lyrics became your words telling me what was going on inside your heart. Creed was the band you listened to when you missed Deagan and Izik. I knew you were in a sad place.
Around 7:30 p.m, mom calls me to the kitchen. You all are sitting around a funny little store bought boston cream cake singing happy birthday to me. I blow out the candles and open the card. While the cake is being cut I'm standing by the fridge when you walk over to me and say "Happy Birthday mom, maybe you shouldn't have any more birthdays because you're getting too old". I remember looking at you like I was going to rip you apart and laughing at the same time. I called you a little shit. You laughed and put your arms around me in a big bear hug and said, "Ya know I love ya".
Those were the last words I ever heard you speak.
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