David Scott Sims
03/19/1983-09/27/2010
My heart aches today. It's been 9 days since you left this world but my heart aches like it's been minutes. I don't know how I'm suppose to do this. There was nothing in my life skills that could have ever prepared me for this day. I still don't know how I am going to go through the rest of my life without you here. I love you so much. Your death has left an empty void in my heart. You are my son, you complete me and now my heart is shattered into so many pieces nothing can ever fix it, I'm not even sure I want it fixed because that would mean a world going on without you. I can't breathe. I need to tell your story, I need the world to know what happened, I need answers that no one will give me. I see this picture of events that lead me to this place, I see people who know what happened to you and why but it's as if a fog has rolled in and everything is in slow motion, no one talks as if the truth will shatter their reality and expose their own demons so it's better to just leave me shattered and move on. I need to breathe.
September 17: Friday is finally here. We have talked about this day with excitement just like we do every week before Friday arrives. It's football day. We have been planing this day to go to Hollister to watch your little brother who is not so little play high school football against a small school called Hollister. It's suppose to be a total annihilation and we figure that Aaron won't get to play past the first quarter since starters only stay in until the score is at least 20 points ahead. You were on facebook most of the day talking about how kick ass awesome your little brother is at football and how you couldn't wait to go to the game. A friend of yours was messaging you telling you that living a clean life was boring and hard. You were telling him there's so much more to life than drugs. You said that there was your kids and there was football. Your friend Nathan said he missed watching football, you told him he just had to come watch your lil bro play because he was amazing and that some day he will be pro. Nathan said he'd like that so the plan was for you both to go to the game.
It's about an hour before it's time to leave for the game & I mention to you to go jump in the shower. You have that look on your face that I've seen a few times in your life. You know the one that says I'm about to break your heart. You tell me you are thinking of not going to the game tonight because it is going to be boring if Aaron doesn't get to play very much. I see the look in your eyes that tells me you have been talking to the wrong people and are possibly thinking of making a wrong turn. My heart sinks. I tell you to stop being so silly, go take your shower and go to your brothers game. I'm praying that this is just a passing moment with you and that you go start getting ready.
It's time to go to the game and you are adamant you're staying home. I'm mad because I think you have other plans that will get you in trouble. You promise me that you are just going to chill at home, listen to the game on the radio and veg out.
Aaron only played the first half of the game. It was 70-0 before halftime. All the varsity players were sitting on the bench watching guys that don't usually even see the field on Friday night. Im pretty sure even the waterboy scored a touchdown. You were texting Rick to find out if Aaron scored any touchdowns. You said you were listening to the game on the radio and didn't hear Aaron's name any more. Yes it was boring, yes Aaron scored a couple touchdowns early then didn't play any more but I wanted you there as a family to support each other. I loved having my children with me everywhere I went. It was my purpose in life to be a mom even if I was voted in high school least likely to ever settle down. Four children later I think it's obvious where my heart lies.
We head home and Sarah tells me that you just left to go out with some girl. I text you one word, "liar". So much for staying home and vegging. I'm just praying that you stay on the course you have been on for the past year. Following through with your divorce, getting custody of your sons & staying clean and sober. You have been doing so good that I'm almost afraid to tell you how proud I am of you in fear I will jinx it.
Saturday morning, September 18 (my birthday) you call bright and early asking to talk to Aaron. You laughed nervously and said you had stayed the night at some girls house and was wanting Aaron to come pick you up. It's way out in the country and you aren't sure where but it's in the direction of Smith's Restaurant so Aaron heads out hoping you figure out which way he is to turn by the time he gets to Smith's. You and him are texting and calling each other with him calling me on the side totally lost on a dirt road. Aaron's worried he's not going to find you or find his way out of what he called deliverance country.
It's a curse I've passed down to all my children to be extremely directionally challenged. If our brain tells us we have to turn left here, you can bet the farm it's really a right turn.
He finally finds you and is heading home. I breath a sigh of relief because my sons are together, safe. It had only been 65 days since Aaron & Boo were in that bad wreck and your little brother almost died. After watching what he went through and the memory loss he suffered along with all the what if's that kept constantly playing in my brain I was trying so hard not to be an over protecting mother but I couldn't help it, that's just who I am. It's not that I want to control my children's life, I just need them to be safe, to be near. Almost losing Aaron puts me on high alert and fills me with a need to keep my children very close to me until I can breathe again.
It's a curse I've passed down to all my children to be extremely directionally challenged. If our brain tells us we have to turn left here, you can bet the farm it's really a right turn.
He finally finds you and is heading home. I breath a sigh of relief because my sons are together, safe. It had only been 65 days since Aaron & Boo were in that bad wreck and your little brother almost died. After watching what he went through and the memory loss he suffered along with all the what if's that kept constantly playing in my brain I was trying so hard not to be an over protecting mother but I couldn't help it, that's just who I am. It's not that I want to control my children's life, I just need them to be safe, to be near. Almost losing Aaron puts me on high alert and fills me with a need to keep my children very close to me until I can breathe again.
When you're home you like to get real comfy. On go the below the knee cut off pj pants, big baggy t-shirt, hair pulled back, contacts out and glasses on. When you are dressed like that I know all is right in the world because you aren't going out but are planning on watching music videos on your lap top and burn some cd's. You had been talking to Jessica on the phone trying to tell your side of the story of what happened last night. I could hear you laughing so hard. I love your laugh. It's the laugh that is so contagious it's impossible to stay mad at you when you cut loose. You came downstairs and sat in the recliner next to me and start asking about the ball game. I told you that you were right, the game sucked, Aaron scored a couple touchdowns and then sat with the rest of the varsity players on the bench joking around. You smiled so mischievously and ask me if I wanted to hear about your night.
I sat there listening in disbelief, trying not to laugh but giving you that "bad David" mother look, your giggling so much trying to tell this story that I ended up laughing with you because no one on the planet is immune to that giggle. Apparently you went out with a girl for the first time and ended up staying the night with her. The next morning her father shows up unannounced, walks into the room and said, "Excuse me, are you having sex with my daughter?" That's about the time you called your little brother to the rescue. I can image the story you told him when he picked you up and I'm sure it's not the same version you are telling me at this moment. I'm laughing just thinking about how embarrassing that would be.
You told Rick you had a date tonight and ask him to draw you out $20.00 from our account so you can get some cigarettes and an energy drink. Rick ask you if that was going to be enough on your date and you said it was going to be you, the girl who's father wasn't too happy with you, Nathan & his wife Jessie and that you all were just going to hangout at Nathan's. You said you really liked this girl and even showed Rick a picture of her from your phone. You called this a chill date.
,
Rick grilled hamburgers for dinner while everyone ate and settled into their normal routine. You were telling me that you had tried to call Deagan and Izik again but Lexi still wouldn't answer the phone. I asked if you were OK, you said you couldn't wait for the 31st to get here when your divorce was going to be final and you had full custody of your son's, then you and Rick would be making that trip to Kansas to pick them up legally. I knew you weren't ready for the divorce, Lexi was the love of your life but her sneaking out of the state with your son's changed you and made you see that they needed to come first in your life. You said you knew Lexi would come back to you if you asked but right now wasn't the time, you werent ready to forgive and you needed to make sure no one ever tried to take your son's from you again. THEN you would start repairing your relationship with Lexi. How did you become a man overnight? I just seem to be in constant battle mode and you're just chill.
You went upstairs and were playing on your laptop, you messaged friends on your myspace, posted on your facebook and texted like it was your job to every friend you knew. I could hear your stereo playing and listened at the bottom of the stairs for a brief moment. The CD was Creed, the song was With Arms Wide Open. I knew you were missing your boys.
You were a man of few words, you could tell the most hilarious stories but you were very private with your inner thoughts. It's something both my son's are gifted or cursed with. You keep your personal cards so close to your chest and don't allow anyone in. When either of you do decide to open up to me and share your pain, joy, expectations, fears it's like a gift I've been given that I cherish. But for you music was your voice. I knew what you were thinking, feeling, battling by the music you listened to. I've spent so many hours of my life with you sitting near me telling me I had to listen to this song, not the music but the lyrics, you needed me to "feel" the lyrics like you felt it, like it was speaking to your soul so I listened with my eyes closed while you watched my face closely and I felt you through those songs because the lyrics became your words telling me what was going on inside your heart. Creed was the band you listened to when you missed Deagan and Izik. I knew you were in a sad place.
Around 7:30 p.m, mom calls me to the kitchen. You all are sitting around a funny little store bought boston cream cake singing happy birthday to me. I blow out the candles and open the card. While the cake is being cut I'm standing by the fridge when you walk over to me and say "Happy Birthday mom, maybe you shouldn't have any more birthdays because you're getting too old". I remember looking at you like I was going to rip you apart and laughing at the same time. I called you a little shit. You laughed and put your arms around me in a big bear hug and said, "Ya know I love ya".
I sat there listening in disbelief, trying not to laugh but giving you that "bad David" mother look, your giggling so much trying to tell this story that I ended up laughing with you because no one on the planet is immune to that giggle. Apparently you went out with a girl for the first time and ended up staying the night with her. The next morning her father shows up unannounced, walks into the room and said, "Excuse me, are you having sex with my daughter?" That's about the time you called your little brother to the rescue. I can image the story you told him when he picked you up and I'm sure it's not the same version you are telling me at this moment. I'm laughing just thinking about how embarrassing that would be.
You told Rick you had a date tonight and ask him to draw you out $20.00 from our account so you can get some cigarettes and an energy drink. Rick ask you if that was going to be enough on your date and you said it was going to be you, the girl who's father wasn't too happy with you, Nathan & his wife Jessie and that you all were just going to hangout at Nathan's. You said you really liked this girl and even showed Rick a picture of her from your phone. You called this a chill date.
,
Rick grilled hamburgers for dinner while everyone ate and settled into their normal routine. You were telling me that you had tried to call Deagan and Izik again but Lexi still wouldn't answer the phone. I asked if you were OK, you said you couldn't wait for the 31st to get here when your divorce was going to be final and you had full custody of your son's, then you and Rick would be making that trip to Kansas to pick them up legally. I knew you weren't ready for the divorce, Lexi was the love of your life but her sneaking out of the state with your son's changed you and made you see that they needed to come first in your life. You said you knew Lexi would come back to you if you asked but right now wasn't the time, you werent ready to forgive and you needed to make sure no one ever tried to take your son's from you again. THEN you would start repairing your relationship with Lexi. How did you become a man overnight? I just seem to be in constant battle mode and you're just chill.
You went upstairs and were playing on your laptop, you messaged friends on your myspace, posted on your facebook and texted like it was your job to every friend you knew. I could hear your stereo playing and listened at the bottom of the stairs for a brief moment. The CD was Creed, the song was With Arms Wide Open. I knew you were missing your boys.
You were a man of few words, you could tell the most hilarious stories but you were very private with your inner thoughts. It's something both my son's are gifted or cursed with. You keep your personal cards so close to your chest and don't allow anyone in. When either of you do decide to open up to me and share your pain, joy, expectations, fears it's like a gift I've been given that I cherish. But for you music was your voice. I knew what you were thinking, feeling, battling by the music you listened to. I've spent so many hours of my life with you sitting near me telling me I had to listen to this song, not the music but the lyrics, you needed me to "feel" the lyrics like you felt it, like it was speaking to your soul so I listened with my eyes closed while you watched my face closely and I felt you through those songs because the lyrics became your words telling me what was going on inside your heart. Creed was the band you listened to when you missed Deagan and Izik. I knew you were in a sad place.
Around 7:30 p.m, mom calls me to the kitchen. You all are sitting around a funny little store bought boston cream cake singing happy birthday to me. I blow out the candles and open the card. While the cake is being cut I'm standing by the fridge when you walk over to me and say "Happy Birthday mom, maybe you shouldn't have any more birthdays because you're getting too old". I remember looking at you like I was going to rip you apart and laughing at the same time. I called you a little shit. You laughed and put your arms around me in a big bear hug and said, "Ya know I love ya".
Those were the last words I ever heard you speak.
((((zing))))
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing this with me. i love you.